The fight for power

Woke up at 6 pm
My eyes were closed
but my mind was awake...

Changed the lyrics only slightly to reflect my own situation (am to pm).

I hesitate... not knowing what exactly to write. It all feels so pointless currently. I made this blog to see if it could help me figure out my life better by writing things down, but already on the second post I'm not sure if it's such a good idea.

It's a nice sunny summer day outside, yet I slept for most of it and now I don't feel like doing anything at all. I can almost feel the invisible hands of Depression dragging me closer to the edge of the fissure. If I fall down there, I won't even be strong enough to stand up from bed, I know it.

People tell me I should get professional help. I've tried. I don't have the money to skip all the waiting lists and get immediate help, and the waiting lists themselves are months long. Which doesn't help me the slightest. I know that the problems will probably still be there after those months, but the fact that I need help right now usually isn't even acknowledged. Capitalism - you pay or you might as well go and die on us, who cares. This is pretty much what I've taken away from the world nowadays. Very positive and encouraging, right?

Sarcasm is my way of coping. Irony and sarcasm are my two best friends when it comes to the rest of the world. Otherwise I would have gone completely crazy years ago. But sometimes even those two can't help me.

In about 2 weeks I have to return to Germany. Almost all my material belongings are still there, sitting in a rented corner, waiting for me to decide what to do with them. Another huge decision. Ugh. And in order to know what to do with all of them, I need to have decided what I want to do with my future. Which is abso-fucking-lutely daunting as hell and up to now I have still not the slightest clue.

I keep thinking that it'll come to me soon enough. If I just keep coming up with new ideas every couple of days, I'll eventually find what I'm really passionate about.

But lately, I'm starting to realize more and more that maybe I'm passionate about nothing at all. This is honestly scary beyond imagination. What kind of a human being am I? How can I have no strong passions at all? What is happening?

I can't answer these questions myself. I've never learned psychology or anything even close to it, even if I'm intuitive enough to understand other people without explicitly learning that stuff. I can analyze people, and to some extent myself as well, but knowing myself and acting upon it are two completely different things.

It sometimes feels like I'm divided. One is the logical, thinking, rational part of me that gives me honest, very logical and very rational insights and ideas and I know I should listen to that part of me more than I'm doing now. But then the other part, the impulsive, reckless, feeling, annoying, strong part, tells my body to stop and NOT do what the logical part said. And the stupidest thing is - my body listens to the impulsive one. And I can't stop it. It feels as if two dragons are inside me, constantly fighting for power, and it's slowly, but surely tearing me apart. This is why I never know what to decide. This is why I'm currently sitting here, wallowing in self-pity whilst writing this, and having no clue whatsoever what to do with my future.

The limbo seems never-ending and it scares the hell out of me.

Help...