Clickity-click

I was away from my laptop for a few days. Hence me not writing every single day.

A new lamp went on in my dark street that I call "Life". I guess I made a decision. Feels... strange. I don't mean a tiny decision like what to eat. An actual decision. What to do with the next few years of my life. I'm still not quite 100% sure if it's the right decision, but then again, I guess no one really is..?

At least this light going on means I will actually have some purpose to my life and waking up every day again. Up to now, I've honestly been living in this limbo, not really knowing why I'm still waking up every day at all. Not suicidal, honestly, just wondering why my body continues without me having a purpose to work towards. But now I found one. A Purpose. With a Capital P.

So now my decisions will look more like "The bank or the realtor?" or "Which moving company should I contact first?"

I guess it's a move up from where I was before. I'm kinda glad. But I know I'll still be the indecisive fuck as I was before. Just I kinda know towards what I can be indecisive about now. Feels okay.

I feel like the catalyst for this might have been the movie "About Time". The protagonist could technically re-live everything and even change everything. But at the end he decided to live entirely normally. Simply, as he put it "I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.". And something clicked there in my head. I was wasting all of these amazing days thinking they were pointless, and searching for something. After that click, I sort of knew what I had to focus on. I didn't have a whole blueprint of a plan set out before me. No, that doesn't happen. I just saw where the "Start" field was, and maybe two, three steps further. But that was it. And now I'm kind of seeing things drifting out of the fog towards me, and then back again, and I have to remember to write them down, or I'll forget.

But this is me. I forget all the time, all the important shit, and all the stuff that's not that important. And I'll curse at it and at my brain, but then life goes on, and I forget all about that as well. So I guess... it works for me.

And now that I have a semi-plan, I'm going to sleep and will try to get up just maybe a few minutes earlier than usual..? Sounds like a plan? Yup.

See you then.