I feel so not amused today. The only things that actually make me crack a smile are dark, dry British jokes. Blackadder and such. I can't even pinpoint the source of my sour mood, I just feel shitty. For apparently no reason. No, there probably is a reason, or multiple ones even, but I can't seem to find them myself. I would ask someone, just that I don't have any professionals at my hand to ask. And again here comes the problem of therapists and appointments and months and months of waiting lists that I've already touched upon.
Even though I now have a goal to work towards, even though I know I have a lot to do, today was spent in a literal stupor. I did nothing but lie on the couch, eat, watch youtube and movies. And read fanfiction. That's literally been my day. I spent another perfectly fine day inside, doing basically nothing.
I hate myself.
On days like these I hate myself more than anything. I can't bring myself out of this situation, and I keep hating myself until I go to sleep. Next day could be anything. It could continue the stupor and hating, or if I have something planned, I tear myself out for that thing, and afterwards, depending on how the planned event went, I fall back into stupor.
It's as if my enthusiasm spikes up at some things, I start to deal with them, and then suddenly, when it drops, I drop everything. I hate myself for doing that as well. And I don't know how to change that. No one has told me what to do. I need people to tell me what to do, so that I can assess their words, make sure that they haven't told me to do something stupid, and then do it. Or not do it. But no one can tell me how to get out of this vicious circle.
I can't help myself anymore. I'm writing this as a call for help. If anyone who actually knows me is reading this - I honestly need help. I've been needing help for a long time, for many years now. I understand that now, have understood it for a couple of months, I guess... But I still can't do anything about it myself. Something in me refuses to. Yeah, it might let me google therapy sessions and doctors and clinics and whatnot, but it won't let me get further than that. I get discouraged every time I get an answer with "long waiting lists", "months in advance", "therapy session costs". Because I don't have the time to wait. I need the help NOW. Why is it that only the people who are actually entertaining thoughts of suicide or have tried anything will get immediate help? Why are people, who are maybe not there yet, but might get to that point soon, being deprived of immediate help? What is this sick, heartless, stupid world we are living in?
People are so stupid. I see point-blank stupidity every day. Well, every day that I go out, at least. I hear people around me talk and sometimes I honestly balk at the sound of words that don't make any sense to me because they sound so incredibly stupid, insensitive, arrogant, uncaring. I see people do stupid things and I think to myself - why do these people deserve to live? Why do humans as a whole even deserve to live on this planet still? We have screwed up the only livable space we currently have in this universe, and we continue to screw it up even more. Of course, not every single human being is like that, there are some few who are actually trying to save what still can be saved. But they are being swallowed by the mindless masses with their noses so deep in the virtual realities and people who simply can't see further than their Louis Vuitton Heels and Gucci handbags that there honestly is no hope for humanity as whole anymore.
I'm not even being dramatic or pessimistic here, this is me being actually realistic and logical. If I were pessimistic, I would write the world will be extinct in the next 100 years. But that probably won't be true. Maybe 500. Nevertheless, humans have done more than enough harm. Honestly, if it one day did come to Earth VS Humans, I'd first side with Earth and then die happily, if it means it can at least save the innocent species, all the other animals who just want to be left alone and not prodded at every damn second. And the plants. I find more solace in a tree or a cat than in another human being. Quite seriously.
Well. This definitely went on longer than I thought it would. Still not feeling any better. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by writing this. But it definitely didn't help my mood. Well. Maybe it'll help someone else out there...
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