Okay, so it wasn't see you tomorrow. Sorry about that. Well. No one is reading these anymore anyway, so what do I even care?
I'm flying back to Germany for two weeks. To deal with the last stuff left to deal with, close all my accounts, sort through my 24 years worth of things and send the things I want to keep back to Estonia somehow... it's gonna be a blast *sarcasm*
I'm in pain. I don't get where it came from. Maybe I wore a dress one too many times for Estonia. Should've worn those pantyhose after all. Well, it's hurting in my kidneys, I think (at least the part of my back where kidneys usually are hurts, so...), and I'm fucking scared of it being a kidney inflammation, which is way worse than the bladder inflammation I thought I had the day before yesterday... I'm fucking screwed. Fuck this...
I'm going to try and get through staying at an airport for tonight with lots of Ibuprofen, an go to a doctor as soon as I am in Germany. I don't currently have health insurance in Estonia, meaning I have to do it in Germany... he'll probably give me antibiotics, though, if it's something worse than that... I don't know what I'll do then. I really don't...
I don't want to be seriously sick. I don't have the time for that. I need to figure out all these other things and I just don't have time to be ill. Fucking hell. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Javla fitta...
I won't be posting anything for a while now, probably. I don't have the patience to tip long texts on my phone, since I'm not taking my laptop with me, and so for at least two weeks you won't be getting anything out of me. Not that it particularly matters since no one is reading these anyways...
I guess it's just for me then. Bye.
Cosplay, streaming, vids & co.
I'm really missing cosplay.
I'm having enough fun reading, watching Julien's streams and just chilling, but I do really miss planning out a new costume, adding thousands of little details for something, painting props, even sanding.
I definitely want to continue with it, but to find a job that could support me (pay my rent and food and such) besides Uni AND pay for cosplay stuff as well? This is going to be such a rare thing, if even a possibility at all, in Estonia.
I've promised myself to try and get at least one cosplay done per year. I'm really hoping I can manage that - I'm not going to live in an empty apartment after all. But I'm really hoping to get a job that will also take my situation into account and try and arrange something that we both could deal with. I mean, that would be humane. I realize that most companies just don't understand that, even though no companies are made without other human beings.. so you know.. we're all humans with our own dreams here. If I could stay alone and get money like that, I would. I honestly would. It's just not happening right now, so I have to deal with other people...
Oh well.
I am really enjoying watching Julien play PuBG at the moment, though. All of his videos, really. I really want my computer here already. I can set it up really nicely, since I even have a table to my name. What a shocker. That's the only piece of furniture I have, though. Oh well. So then when I come back with my PC I'll set it up real nice and see if I can get a camera from somewhere to start streaming a bit. Build up a little community of my own, maybe. Just stream for an hour a day at first or so, as long as I have the time, won't cost me much (just the internet connection) and any cent I get out of that would help me immensely. Of course, streaming when you have to work AND go to Uni at the same time probably won't work much, but I'll try and get some regular youtube videos out then, maybe.
The thing is, I've tried to start so many times on the yt videos, and something always kind of stops me. I don't ever get a whole video recorded, no matter what style or setup I try, and I guess I'm always surrounded by people. It kind of puts me off, I realized. I really need like my very own space where no one can just barge in, and where I don't have a certain time-rule, where I know I'm alone, and after that someone comes home. Having such a limit is really putting a stopper on my motivation to actually do the videos, and I honestly can't wait to have that space that's my very own, just for me. I've never had that before. For almost 25 years I've always lived with someone, in someone else's house or apartment, and I honest to god don't want to anymore. I really don't want to. I need some actual me time now. I think I've earned it after 25 years. I think I have. I hope I have.
So there are decisions everywhere. Once I have settled in in Tallinn, I'll have the decision of whether to stream or to film a regular video or to plan out a new cosplay, or just to play something, or watch videos, or read a book, or or or... there are so many things I really want to do and too little time to do them. Also usually too little money. Life really does suck sometimes.
So I'm making a decision of finishing this post for today and focusing on listening to J&J's podcast.
See you tomorrow then!
I'm having enough fun reading, watching Julien's streams and just chilling, but I do really miss planning out a new costume, adding thousands of little details for something, painting props, even sanding.
I definitely want to continue with it, but to find a job that could support me (pay my rent and food and such) besides Uni AND pay for cosplay stuff as well? This is going to be such a rare thing, if even a possibility at all, in Estonia.
I've promised myself to try and get at least one cosplay done per year. I'm really hoping I can manage that - I'm not going to live in an empty apartment after all. But I'm really hoping to get a job that will also take my situation into account and try and arrange something that we both could deal with. I mean, that would be humane. I realize that most companies just don't understand that, even though no companies are made without other human beings.. so you know.. we're all humans with our own dreams here. If I could stay alone and get money like that, I would. I honestly would. It's just not happening right now, so I have to deal with other people...
Oh well.
I am really enjoying watching Julien play PuBG at the moment, though. All of his videos, really. I really want my computer here already. I can set it up really nicely, since I even have a table to my name. What a shocker. That's the only piece of furniture I have, though. Oh well. So then when I come back with my PC I'll set it up real nice and see if I can get a camera from somewhere to start streaming a bit. Build up a little community of my own, maybe. Just stream for an hour a day at first or so, as long as I have the time, won't cost me much (just the internet connection) and any cent I get out of that would help me immensely. Of course, streaming when you have to work AND go to Uni at the same time probably won't work much, but I'll try and get some regular youtube videos out then, maybe.
The thing is, I've tried to start so many times on the yt videos, and something always kind of stops me. I don't ever get a whole video recorded, no matter what style or setup I try, and I guess I'm always surrounded by people. It kind of puts me off, I realized. I really need like my very own space where no one can just barge in, and where I don't have a certain time-rule, where I know I'm alone, and after that someone comes home. Having such a limit is really putting a stopper on my motivation to actually do the videos, and I honestly can't wait to have that space that's my very own, just for me. I've never had that before. For almost 25 years I've always lived with someone, in someone else's house or apartment, and I honest to god don't want to anymore. I really don't want to. I need some actual me time now. I think I've earned it after 25 years. I think I have. I hope I have.
So there are decisions everywhere. Once I have settled in in Tallinn, I'll have the decision of whether to stream or to film a regular video or to plan out a new cosplay, or just to play something, or watch videos, or read a book, or or or... there are so many things I really want to do and too little time to do them. Also usually too little money. Life really does suck sometimes.
So I'm making a decision of finishing this post for today and focusing on listening to J&J's podcast.
See you tomorrow then!
Triggered.
I have a headache again!
What is going on? I've had bouts of sudden headache a couple of times today and I currently feel a slight pressure as well. And it's not like the sharp, lightning headaches that I used to get infrequently. No, this time it's like a kind of a deeper pressure kind of pain. Not sharp, but strong instead, if you kinda know what I mean. It's really strange. Kind of like... it's not sharp like a dagger (like I used to get sometimes), but more like a ... tender war-hammer. *giggles* Yeah. Me and my comparisons, my god. It just has like more of an area that it's affecting, I think.
There have also been planes flying over our buildings here all day long. Most of it are regular passenger flights, since apparently we live straight underneath a lovely landing corridor, but a couple of times a day a double-team of military planes fly by, and they fly so FUCKING LOW. Jeesh, honestly, the last time we saw them we were outside by the pond here, and we both had to literally cover our ears for at least 10 seconds because the sound was so strong and, honestly, penetrating (and no, I don't mean that in a wrong way, swear to Supernatural) that it was impossible to be there with open ears. And they really did fly so low overhead that, had I had 20-20 vision in my shitty eyes, I'd have probably been able to read off anything written on them. So FUCKING LOW! Over a fucking populated area where thousands of people live in pretty close quarters. We have like round chinese walls here, this is the Tallinn Chinese Wall, just in a pretty circular shape.
STOP FLYING SO LOW!
Every time they come, the glass in our windows rattles. Honest to god. I get that you NATO guys or whoever need to patrol to save us poor little people from the evil mean russians *detecting heavy hidden sarcasm* but you can do your rounds a little higher okay? I swear if the glass breaks because of you, I'm going straight to the defense department with the bill. And I don't even permanently live here. Like the fuck guys? Stop being arseholes.
Okay. Got that off my chest. Pretty sure this post is gonna get way more views now than 1 because of all the trigger words and stuff I used here *khm military khm* *khm russians khm* but honestly, I don't give a single fuck. If this gets them to actually consider flying higher, I'm happy. Seriously, though, you're not gonna find russian spies in the middle of Haabersti down on the grass here. Fly higher, you idiots.
Okay now I'm done. I think.
Not much else to say. Got to walk a bit, continue my book, caught up with all the youtubers and even made waffles! It was a pretty productive day despite me not really feeling up to it in the beginning. And tomorrow - kinda exciting! Hopefully gonna see one apartment, and hopefully it'll be a suitable one. I really really need it *gnaws on too-short fingernails*
So with that, I'll leave you, whoever it is that is reading this (since I have gotten at least 1 view on every post), to whatever else you are doing!
Buhhhyyee.
What is going on? I've had bouts of sudden headache a couple of times today and I currently feel a slight pressure as well. And it's not like the sharp, lightning headaches that I used to get infrequently. No, this time it's like a kind of a deeper pressure kind of pain. Not sharp, but strong instead, if you kinda know what I mean. It's really strange. Kind of like... it's not sharp like a dagger (like I used to get sometimes), but more like a ... tender war-hammer. *giggles* Yeah. Me and my comparisons, my god. It just has like more of an area that it's affecting, I think.
There have also been planes flying over our buildings here all day long. Most of it are regular passenger flights, since apparently we live straight underneath a lovely landing corridor, but a couple of times a day a double-team of military planes fly by, and they fly so FUCKING LOW. Jeesh, honestly, the last time we saw them we were outside by the pond here, and we both had to literally cover our ears for at least 10 seconds because the sound was so strong and, honestly, penetrating (and no, I don't mean that in a wrong way, swear to Supernatural) that it was impossible to be there with open ears. And they really did fly so low overhead that, had I had 20-20 vision in my shitty eyes, I'd have probably been able to read off anything written on them. So FUCKING LOW! Over a fucking populated area where thousands of people live in pretty close quarters. We have like round chinese walls here, this is the Tallinn Chinese Wall, just in a pretty circular shape.
STOP FLYING SO LOW!
Every time they come, the glass in our windows rattles. Honest to god. I get that you NATO guys or whoever need to patrol to save us poor little people from the evil mean russians *detecting heavy hidden sarcasm* but you can do your rounds a little higher okay? I swear if the glass breaks because of you, I'm going straight to the defense department with the bill. And I don't even permanently live here. Like the fuck guys? Stop being arseholes.
Okay. Got that off my chest. Pretty sure this post is gonna get way more views now than 1 because of all the trigger words and stuff I used here *khm military khm* *khm russians khm* but honestly, I don't give a single fuck. If this gets them to actually consider flying higher, I'm happy. Seriously, though, you're not gonna find russian spies in the middle of Haabersti down on the grass here. Fly higher, you idiots.
Okay now I'm done. I think.
Not much else to say. Got to walk a bit, continue my book, caught up with all the youtubers and even made waffles! It was a pretty productive day despite me not really feeling up to it in the beginning. And tomorrow - kinda exciting! Hopefully gonna see one apartment, and hopefully it'll be a suitable one. I really really need it *gnaws on too-short fingernails*
So with that, I'll leave you, whoever it is that is reading this (since I have gotten at least 1 view on every post), to whatever else you are doing!
Buhhhyyee.
Sunache
Today started with sunshine and ended with a bit of a headache. Maybe I got too much sun onto the top of my head? Really should buy a hat soon.
It was another fun day spent at the zoo, shopping just a bit and reading. I even got up 2 freaking hours before noon o.o What happened there?
And now I'm totally knackered. I just thought to quickly pop in, throw down a few lines, and then sleep. Walking around for hours does wonders to your body and your tiredness. I might have to go on long walks way more often.
I would write more, probably, but my head is honestly telling me to stop now, so I'll finish for today and write more tomorrow.
Byeeeee.
It was another fun day spent at the zoo, shopping just a bit and reading. I even got up 2 freaking hours before noon o.o What happened there?
And now I'm totally knackered. I just thought to quickly pop in, throw down a few lines, and then sleep. Walking around for hours does wonders to your body and your tiredness. I might have to go on long walks way more often.
I would write more, probably, but my head is honestly telling me to stop now, so I'll finish for today and write more tomorrow.
Byeeeee.
Good troubles
Today was a better day. It's technically tomorrow already, as in Monday, but I'm still up as usual, so I'm talking about Sunday.
I got to tank some serious Vitamin D, cause the weather was so perfect, it was the perfect summer day for Estonia and probably the last one for this year. We celebrated a birthday and all in all it was just a really nice, relaxed, sunny day. Definitely feel miles from what I felt just 24 hours ago.
Trying to fly for as cheap as possible is, well, next to impossible here. Just spent an hour looking for the cheapest flight to Germany for next week, and the one I booked is where I have to stay overnight in Riga airport. Bloody brilliant. Oh well, what's a little adventure, eh? I'm pretty used to staying in who knows where by now, so shouldn't be much of a problem. I've got a book, it's gonna be fun. Boring, but fun.
I still have yet to find an apartment here... which is making me the most nervous. I know I probably won't even find one on such short notice, but if I don't, I will have no fucking clue where to send my stuff from Germany... I need to give them an address. Shit. Fuckshit. Javla fitta helvette.
Oh well. I'll figure something out. I always do, apparently. Somehow, up to now, I haven't really gotten into that deep a shit that I've yet to find my way out, so I'm just going to trust on my survival skills and I'll hopefully be good.
See you tomorrow!
I got to tank some serious Vitamin D, cause the weather was so perfect, it was the perfect summer day for Estonia and probably the last one for this year. We celebrated a birthday and all in all it was just a really nice, relaxed, sunny day. Definitely feel miles from what I felt just 24 hours ago.
Trying to fly for as cheap as possible is, well, next to impossible here. Just spent an hour looking for the cheapest flight to Germany for next week, and the one I booked is where I have to stay overnight in Riga airport. Bloody brilliant. Oh well, what's a little adventure, eh? I'm pretty used to staying in who knows where by now, so shouldn't be much of a problem. I've got a book, it's gonna be fun. Boring, but fun.
I still have yet to find an apartment here... which is making me the most nervous. I know I probably won't even find one on such short notice, but if I don't, I will have no fucking clue where to send my stuff from Germany... I need to give them an address. Shit. Fuckshit. Javla fitta helvette.
Oh well. I'll figure something out. I always do, apparently. Somehow, up to now, I haven't really gotten into that deep a shit that I've yet to find my way out, so I'm just going to trust on my survival skills and I'll hopefully be good.
See you tomorrow!
Call for Help
I feel so not amused today. The only things that actually make me crack a smile are dark, dry British jokes. Blackadder and such. I can't even pinpoint the source of my sour mood, I just feel shitty. For apparently no reason. No, there probably is a reason, or multiple ones even, but I can't seem to find them myself. I would ask someone, just that I don't have any professionals at my hand to ask. And again here comes the problem of therapists and appointments and months and months of waiting lists that I've already touched upon.
Even though I now have a goal to work towards, even though I know I have a lot to do, today was spent in a literal stupor. I did nothing but lie on the couch, eat, watch youtube and movies. And read fanfiction. That's literally been my day. I spent another perfectly fine day inside, doing basically nothing.
I hate myself.
On days like these I hate myself more than anything. I can't bring myself out of this situation, and I keep hating myself until I go to sleep. Next day could be anything. It could continue the stupor and hating, or if I have something planned, I tear myself out for that thing, and afterwards, depending on how the planned event went, I fall back into stupor.
It's as if my enthusiasm spikes up at some things, I start to deal with them, and then suddenly, when it drops, I drop everything. I hate myself for doing that as well. And I don't know how to change that. No one has told me what to do. I need people to tell me what to do, so that I can assess their words, make sure that they haven't told me to do something stupid, and then do it. Or not do it. But no one can tell me how to get out of this vicious circle.
I can't help myself anymore. I'm writing this as a call for help. If anyone who actually knows me is reading this - I honestly need help. I've been needing help for a long time, for many years now. I understand that now, have understood it for a couple of months, I guess... But I still can't do anything about it myself. Something in me refuses to. Yeah, it might let me google therapy sessions and doctors and clinics and whatnot, but it won't let me get further than that. I get discouraged every time I get an answer with "long waiting lists", "months in advance", "therapy session costs". Because I don't have the time to wait. I need the help NOW. Why is it that only the people who are actually entertaining thoughts of suicide or have tried anything will get immediate help? Why are people, who are maybe not there yet, but might get to that point soon, being deprived of immediate help? What is this sick, heartless, stupid world we are living in?
People are so stupid. I see point-blank stupidity every day. Well, every day that I go out, at least. I hear people around me talk and sometimes I honestly balk at the sound of words that don't make any sense to me because they sound so incredibly stupid, insensitive, arrogant, uncaring. I see people do stupid things and I think to myself - why do these people deserve to live? Why do humans as a whole even deserve to live on this planet still? We have screwed up the only livable space we currently have in this universe, and we continue to screw it up even more. Of course, not every single human being is like that, there are some few who are actually trying to save what still can be saved. But they are being swallowed by the mindless masses with their noses so deep in the virtual realities and people who simply can't see further than their Louis Vuitton Heels and Gucci handbags that there honestly is no hope for humanity as whole anymore.
I'm not even being dramatic or pessimistic here, this is me being actually realistic and logical. If I were pessimistic, I would write the world will be extinct in the next 100 years. But that probably won't be true. Maybe 500. Nevertheless, humans have done more than enough harm. Honestly, if it one day did come to Earth VS Humans, I'd first side with Earth and then die happily, if it means it can at least save the innocent species, all the other animals who just want to be left alone and not prodded at every damn second. And the plants. I find more solace in a tree or a cat than in another human being. Quite seriously.
Well. This definitely went on longer than I thought it would. Still not feeling any better. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by writing this. But it definitely didn't help my mood. Well. Maybe it'll help someone else out there...
Even though I now have a goal to work towards, even though I know I have a lot to do, today was spent in a literal stupor. I did nothing but lie on the couch, eat, watch youtube and movies. And read fanfiction. That's literally been my day. I spent another perfectly fine day inside, doing basically nothing.
I hate myself.
On days like these I hate myself more than anything. I can't bring myself out of this situation, and I keep hating myself until I go to sleep. Next day could be anything. It could continue the stupor and hating, or if I have something planned, I tear myself out for that thing, and afterwards, depending on how the planned event went, I fall back into stupor.
It's as if my enthusiasm spikes up at some things, I start to deal with them, and then suddenly, when it drops, I drop everything. I hate myself for doing that as well. And I don't know how to change that. No one has told me what to do. I need people to tell me what to do, so that I can assess their words, make sure that they haven't told me to do something stupid, and then do it. Or not do it. But no one can tell me how to get out of this vicious circle.
I can't help myself anymore. I'm writing this as a call for help. If anyone who actually knows me is reading this - I honestly need help. I've been needing help for a long time, for many years now. I understand that now, have understood it for a couple of months, I guess... But I still can't do anything about it myself. Something in me refuses to. Yeah, it might let me google therapy sessions and doctors and clinics and whatnot, but it won't let me get further than that. I get discouraged every time I get an answer with "long waiting lists", "months in advance", "therapy session costs". Because I don't have the time to wait. I need the help NOW. Why is it that only the people who are actually entertaining thoughts of suicide or have tried anything will get immediate help? Why are people, who are maybe not there yet, but might get to that point soon, being deprived of immediate help? What is this sick, heartless, stupid world we are living in?
People are so stupid. I see point-blank stupidity every day. Well, every day that I go out, at least. I hear people around me talk and sometimes I honestly balk at the sound of words that don't make any sense to me because they sound so incredibly stupid, insensitive, arrogant, uncaring. I see people do stupid things and I think to myself - why do these people deserve to live? Why do humans as a whole even deserve to live on this planet still? We have screwed up the only livable space we currently have in this universe, and we continue to screw it up even more. Of course, not every single human being is like that, there are some few who are actually trying to save what still can be saved. But they are being swallowed by the mindless masses with their noses so deep in the virtual realities and people who simply can't see further than their Louis Vuitton Heels and Gucci handbags that there honestly is no hope for humanity as whole anymore.
I'm not even being dramatic or pessimistic here, this is me being actually realistic and logical. If I were pessimistic, I would write the world will be extinct in the next 100 years. But that probably won't be true. Maybe 500. Nevertheless, humans have done more than enough harm. Honestly, if it one day did come to Earth VS Humans, I'd first side with Earth and then die happily, if it means it can at least save the innocent species, all the other animals who just want to be left alone and not prodded at every damn second. And the plants. I find more solace in a tree or a cat than in another human being. Quite seriously.
Well. This definitely went on longer than I thought it would. Still not feeling any better. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by writing this. But it definitely didn't help my mood. Well. Maybe it'll help someone else out there...
Nighttime rambles
Going to bed earlier really isn't my thing, it seems. I tell myself every evening, "Girl, tonight you're gonna go to bed earlier and you're gonna get up earlier and get more stuff done."
Nope.
Doesn't happen.
Never.
I still stay up until who knows when. I know I'm a complete night owl - I love to have the night to myself and just enjoy it watching stuff on my laptop or read a fanfiction. I enjoy the silence of everybody sleeping and leaving me alone. And I know it can't continue for much longer since, unfortunately, most of the world doesn't function during the night (which I honestly find quite a pity). I wish there was a whole city full of people who just lived during the night and slept in the early hours of morning and before noon, getting up at about 2 pm or so. A city dedicated to people who find this schedule much more benefiting to them and their bodies and their minds. People like me. Just move the whole "normal" schedule up 8 hours and we're good. We'll still get plenty of sunlight hours. We'll still get plenty of sunshine and Vitamin D. But we can also enjoy the nighttime.
There are people out there like me, I'm sure of it, who simply come to life during the night. Who can't seem to like their bed up until the sun is coming up. That's when they get tired enough to seek out some rest. Evening, dusk, sunset, the night - that's when we live. That's when we are the least tired. Let us have that without giving us the shittiest jobs on the market. Let us have that without being afraid of being mugged on the dark streets simply because most people decided to sleep during the dark. Because it's the night. Grhhh.
I don't even know what that was.
I should go to bed after all. That was strange and slightly lunatic-like.
Well.. I'll see you tomorrow! Or some such.
Nope.
Doesn't happen.
Never.
I still stay up until who knows when. I know I'm a complete night owl - I love to have the night to myself and just enjoy it watching stuff on my laptop or read a fanfiction. I enjoy the silence of everybody sleeping and leaving me alone. And I know it can't continue for much longer since, unfortunately, most of the world doesn't function during the night (which I honestly find quite a pity). I wish there was a whole city full of people who just lived during the night and slept in the early hours of morning and before noon, getting up at about 2 pm or so. A city dedicated to people who find this schedule much more benefiting to them and their bodies and their minds. People like me. Just move the whole "normal" schedule up 8 hours and we're good. We'll still get plenty of sunlight hours. We'll still get plenty of sunshine and Vitamin D. But we can also enjoy the nighttime.
There are people out there like me, I'm sure of it, who simply come to life during the night. Who can't seem to like their bed up until the sun is coming up. That's when they get tired enough to seek out some rest. Evening, dusk, sunset, the night - that's when we live. That's when we are the least tired. Let us have that without giving us the shittiest jobs on the market. Let us have that without being afraid of being mugged on the dark streets simply because most people decided to sleep during the dark. Because it's the night. Grhhh.
I don't even know what that was.
I should go to bed after all. That was strange and slightly lunatic-like.
Well.. I'll see you tomorrow! Or some such.
Lipstick madness
Today feels like a good day. I have at least one thing planned, and am about to embark on the journey to complete that. Even the decision what to do with my hair didn't come too difficult - I just did what I did yesterday. Lipstick, though, might be a different question today. I love those bold, dark colours, never have been one for pinks and light tones. Nude, sometimes, but mostly dark. It's gonna be a hard decision.
Well, I got my few lines in here. The bank is waiting for me now. Well, they don't know they're waiting for me yet. ;)
Buh-bye!
Well, I got my few lines in here. The bank is waiting for me now. Well, they don't know they're waiting for me yet. ;)
Buh-bye!
Clickity-click
I was away from my laptop for a few days. Hence me not writing every single day.
A new lamp went on in my dark street that I call "Life". I guess I made a decision. Feels... strange. I don't mean a tiny decision like what to eat. An actual decision. What to do with the next few years of my life. I'm still not quite 100% sure if it's the right decision, but then again, I guess no one really is..?
At least this light going on means I will actually have some purpose to my life and waking up every day again. Up to now, I've honestly been living in this limbo, not really knowing why I'm still waking up every day at all. Not suicidal, honestly, just wondering why my body continues without me having a purpose to work towards. But now I found one. A Purpose. With a Capital P.
So now my decisions will look more like "The bank or the realtor?" or "Which moving company should I contact first?"
I guess it's a move up from where I was before. I'm kinda glad. But I know I'll still be the indecisive fuck as I was before. Just I kinda know towards what I can be indecisive about now. Feels okay.
I feel like the catalyst for this might have been the movie "About Time". The protagonist could technically re-live everything and even change everything. But at the end he decided to live entirely normally. Simply, as he put it "I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.". And something clicked there in my head. I was wasting all of these amazing days thinking they were pointless, and searching for something. After that click, I sort of knew what I had to focus on. I didn't have a whole blueprint of a plan set out before me. No, that doesn't happen. I just saw where the "Start" field was, and maybe two, three steps further. But that was it. And now I'm kind of seeing things drifting out of the fog towards me, and then back again, and I have to remember to write them down, or I'll forget.
But this is me. I forget all the time, all the important shit, and all the stuff that's not that important. And I'll curse at it and at my brain, but then life goes on, and I forget all about that as well. So I guess... it works for me.
And now that I have a semi-plan, I'm going to sleep and will try to get up just maybe a few minutes earlier than usual..? Sounds like a plan? Yup.
See you then.
A new lamp went on in my dark street that I call "Life". I guess I made a decision. Feels... strange. I don't mean a tiny decision like what to eat. An actual decision. What to do with the next few years of my life. I'm still not quite 100% sure if it's the right decision, but then again, I guess no one really is..?
At least this light going on means I will actually have some purpose to my life and waking up every day again. Up to now, I've honestly been living in this limbo, not really knowing why I'm still waking up every day at all. Not suicidal, honestly, just wondering why my body continues without me having a purpose to work towards. But now I found one. A Purpose. With a Capital P.
So now my decisions will look more like "The bank or the realtor?" or "Which moving company should I contact first?"
I guess it's a move up from where I was before. I'm kinda glad. But I know I'll still be the indecisive fuck as I was before. Just I kinda know towards what I can be indecisive about now. Feels okay.
I feel like the catalyst for this might have been the movie "About Time". The protagonist could technically re-live everything and even change everything. But at the end he decided to live entirely normally. Simply, as he put it "I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.". And something clicked there in my head. I was wasting all of these amazing days thinking they were pointless, and searching for something. After that click, I sort of knew what I had to focus on. I didn't have a whole blueprint of a plan set out before me. No, that doesn't happen. I just saw where the "Start" field was, and maybe two, three steps further. But that was it. And now I'm kind of seeing things drifting out of the fog towards me, and then back again, and I have to remember to write them down, or I'll forget.
But this is me. I forget all the time, all the important shit, and all the stuff that's not that important. And I'll curse at it and at my brain, but then life goes on, and I forget all about that as well. So I guess... it works for me.
And now that I have a semi-plan, I'm going to sleep and will try to get up just maybe a few minutes earlier than usual..? Sounds like a plan? Yup.
See you then.
The fight for power
Woke up at 6 pm
My eyes were closed
but my mind was awake...
Changed the lyrics only slightly to reflect my own situation (am to pm).
I hesitate... not knowing what exactly to write. It all feels so pointless currently. I made this blog to see if it could help me figure out my life better by writing things down, but already on the second post I'm not sure if it's such a good idea.
It's a nice sunny summer day outside, yet I slept for most of it and now I don't feel like doing anything at all. I can almost feel the invisible hands of Depression dragging me closer to the edge of the fissure. If I fall down there, I won't even be strong enough to stand up from bed, I know it.
People tell me I should get professional help. I've tried. I don't have the money to skip all the waiting lists and get immediate help, and the waiting lists themselves are months long. Which doesn't help me the slightest. I know that the problems will probably still be there after those months, but the fact that I need help right now usually isn't even acknowledged. Capitalism - you pay or you might as well go and die on us, who cares. This is pretty much what I've taken away from the world nowadays. Very positive and encouraging, right?
Sarcasm is my way of coping. Irony and sarcasm are my two best friends when it comes to the rest of the world. Otherwise I would have gone completely crazy years ago. But sometimes even those two can't help me.
In about 2 weeks I have to return to Germany. Almost all my material belongings are still there, sitting in a rented corner, waiting for me to decide what to do with them. Another huge decision. Ugh. And in order to know what to do with all of them, I need to have decided what I want to do with my future. Which is abso-fucking-lutely daunting as hell and up to now I have still not the slightest clue.
I keep thinking that it'll come to me soon enough. If I just keep coming up with new ideas every couple of days, I'll eventually find what I'm really passionate about.
But lately, I'm starting to realize more and more that maybe I'm passionate about nothing at all. This is honestly scary beyond imagination. What kind of a human being am I? How can I have no strong passions at all? What is happening?
I can't answer these questions myself. I've never learned psychology or anything even close to it, even if I'm intuitive enough to understand other people without explicitly learning that stuff. I can analyze people, and to some extent myself as well, but knowing myself and acting upon it are two completely different things.
It sometimes feels like I'm divided. One is the logical, thinking, rational part of me that gives me honest, very logical and very rational insights and ideas and I know I should listen to that part of me more than I'm doing now. But then the other part, the impulsive, reckless, feeling, annoying, strong part, tells my body to stop and NOT do what the logical part said. And the stupidest thing is - my body listens to the impulsive one. And I can't stop it. It feels as if two dragons are inside me, constantly fighting for power, and it's slowly, but surely tearing me apart. This is why I never know what to decide. This is why I'm currently sitting here, wallowing in self-pity whilst writing this, and having no clue whatsoever what to do with my future.
The limbo seems never-ending and it scares the hell out of me.
Help...
My eyes were closed
but my mind was awake...
Changed the lyrics only slightly to reflect my own situation (am to pm).
I hesitate... not knowing what exactly to write. It all feels so pointless currently. I made this blog to see if it could help me figure out my life better by writing things down, but already on the second post I'm not sure if it's such a good idea.
It's a nice sunny summer day outside, yet I slept for most of it and now I don't feel like doing anything at all. I can almost feel the invisible hands of Depression dragging me closer to the edge of the fissure. If I fall down there, I won't even be strong enough to stand up from bed, I know it.
People tell me I should get professional help. I've tried. I don't have the money to skip all the waiting lists and get immediate help, and the waiting lists themselves are months long. Which doesn't help me the slightest. I know that the problems will probably still be there after those months, but the fact that I need help right now usually isn't even acknowledged. Capitalism - you pay or you might as well go and die on us, who cares. This is pretty much what I've taken away from the world nowadays. Very positive and encouraging, right?
Sarcasm is my way of coping. Irony and sarcasm are my two best friends when it comes to the rest of the world. Otherwise I would have gone completely crazy years ago. But sometimes even those two can't help me.
In about 2 weeks I have to return to Germany. Almost all my material belongings are still there, sitting in a rented corner, waiting for me to decide what to do with them. Another huge decision. Ugh. And in order to know what to do with all of them, I need to have decided what I want to do with my future. Which is abso-fucking-lutely daunting as hell and up to now I have still not the slightest clue.
I keep thinking that it'll come to me soon enough. If I just keep coming up with new ideas every couple of days, I'll eventually find what I'm really passionate about.
But lately, I'm starting to realize more and more that maybe I'm passionate about nothing at all. This is honestly scary beyond imagination. What kind of a human being am I? How can I have no strong passions at all? What is happening?
I can't answer these questions myself. I've never learned psychology or anything even close to it, even if I'm intuitive enough to understand other people without explicitly learning that stuff. I can analyze people, and to some extent myself as well, but knowing myself and acting upon it are two completely different things.
It sometimes feels like I'm divided. One is the logical, thinking, rational part of me that gives me honest, very logical and very rational insights and ideas and I know I should listen to that part of me more than I'm doing now. But then the other part, the impulsive, reckless, feeling, annoying, strong part, tells my body to stop and NOT do what the logical part said. And the stupidest thing is - my body listens to the impulsive one. And I can't stop it. It feels as if two dragons are inside me, constantly fighting for power, and it's slowly, but surely tearing me apart. This is why I never know what to decide. This is why I'm currently sitting here, wallowing in self-pity whilst writing this, and having no clue whatsoever what to do with my future.
The limbo seems never-ending and it scares the hell out of me.
Help...
Decisions, decisions, decisions...
Well Hello There.
I guess my reason for actually deciding to open up this blog is to somehow figure out my life and also to show other people going through the same troubles that they are not alone.
Being indecisive as fuck is no fun.
People always complain that I take way too long to decide something. It honestly doesn't matter what it even is. I can't for the life of me decide what to cook for myself at the current moment. Instead, I'm procrastinating by writing this first blog post. My stomach's starting to actually hurt slowly because I'm really hungry. But I can't decide what to eat. And it sucks. So very much.
So I've taken upon myself to write at least a couple of lines every day. Simply of my struggles to decide. To decide what? That depends on the day. Each day it's something different.
Oh, there's an over-all huge decision hanging over me like the Hammer of Thor. I have to decide what to do with my future soon enough. I can't stay in this limbo I'm in forever, and yet... my mind refuses to choose. It jumps from one idea to another, finding pros and cons in everything, and it's slowly driving me nuts. I can't get any professional help either, because they have such long waiting lists that by the time I get there, the problem is already either solved or thrown out the window. And I don't have enough of the jingly to push myself ahead of the waiting lists. Never have been a VIP, probably never will...
So this is my introduction. I'm a very indecisive, yet impulsive and spontaneous person. Just your everyday girl in her quarter-life crisis (yes, that's a thing, google it) which doesn't seem to have an end in sight. I'm going to really try and post every day as much as possible, even if it is just a few words.
I'm making this blog open to all the public for one reason only: so other people in similar situations can read, comment and commiserate here. It should be a safe space where no one is going to be insulted, called lazy, stupid or anything else. Anyone who does that will be blocked without prior notification. I'm quick and very strong-willed when it comes to tolerance and such stuff. Be warned!
And with that, I'll sign off for the very first time and go find some food to eat. Hopefully soon.
Cheers.
I guess my reason for actually deciding to open up this blog is to somehow figure out my life and also to show other people going through the same troubles that they are not alone.
Being indecisive as fuck is no fun.
People always complain that I take way too long to decide something. It honestly doesn't matter what it even is. I can't for the life of me decide what to cook for myself at the current moment. Instead, I'm procrastinating by writing this first blog post. My stomach's starting to actually hurt slowly because I'm really hungry. But I can't decide what to eat. And it sucks. So very much.
So I've taken upon myself to write at least a couple of lines every day. Simply of my struggles to decide. To decide what? That depends on the day. Each day it's something different.
Oh, there's an over-all huge decision hanging over me like the Hammer of Thor. I have to decide what to do with my future soon enough. I can't stay in this limbo I'm in forever, and yet... my mind refuses to choose. It jumps from one idea to another, finding pros and cons in everything, and it's slowly driving me nuts. I can't get any professional help either, because they have such long waiting lists that by the time I get there, the problem is already either solved or thrown out the window. And I don't have enough of the jingly to push myself ahead of the waiting lists. Never have been a VIP, probably never will...
So this is my introduction. I'm a very indecisive, yet impulsive and spontaneous person. Just your everyday girl in her quarter-life crisis (yes, that's a thing, google it) which doesn't seem to have an end in sight. I'm going to really try and post every day as much as possible, even if it is just a few words.
I'm making this blog open to all the public for one reason only: so other people in similar situations can read, comment and commiserate here. It should be a safe space where no one is going to be insulted, called lazy, stupid or anything else. Anyone who does that will be blocked without prior notification. I'm quick and very strong-willed when it comes to tolerance and such stuff. Be warned!
And with that, I'll sign off for the very first time and go find some food to eat. Hopefully soon.
Cheers.
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