Hi, I'm 25, and I have a celebrity crush.

Well, the title just about says it all.

I have, after gratefully being out of puberty and everything it entails, including full-blown, heart-rending, incredibly impossible celebrity crushes, for quite a few years now, managed to garner a new celebrity crush. God damnit.

I honestly thought I was done with that. I reverently hoped I was done with it, really. And then comes along Riverdale, that thrice-damned CW show.

It's going to be quite a cliché, obviously (and NO! It's not Archie aka KJ Apa, even though he is hot enough to be.. but for some reason just ... doesn't do it). Thank you, Cole Sprouse, for growing up, dyeing your hair almost black and being so incredibly impressive as Jughead to make me fall, HARD.

I'm honestly not even going to be embarrassed by this, because crushes happen. It's inevitable, and quite frankly, we're all human. I've long learned to stop being embarrassed about these small things. Makes life so much easier.

But I'm not quite sure how to deal with myself right now. As I was reading up on myself (astrological sign, MB test type, Hogwarts House etc) last week, I kind of had a huge revelation on who I really am. Well, I've known for long enough that I'm a Libra, obviously, but my Myers-Briggs type has definitely changed slightly over the years and that really took me by surprise and made me finally understand that I was not alone in the world, or that I was really an alien who could never quite fit in. No, it was just that I was a Slytherin ISTP Libra. So now you know.

But what I really understood about myself, putting together everything that I'd read about, was that I was the type of person to over-analyse (preferrably out loud to myself) and re-think everything from every possible angle, until I was left going absolutely mad because I couldn't decide for the best road to move forwards at. This issue also really made me struggle during this year, which is why at one point the decision was kind of ripped from my hands and made for me, without me having the chance to really remedy that situation anymore. It changed the way I am now interacting with people and the world, and it definitely changed my views.

The bad thing about being that way, calculating everything, weighing everything, trying to rationalize, and yet still stay emotional and romantic and all that jazz, is it makes me abso-fucking-lutely crazy. I will become obsessed with this one thing (in this case, my crush on Cole here) and I won't be able to really think about anything else during that time. I'm trying to make a concious decision to really push it to the back of my mind since I do actually have priorities that I have to fulfill beforehand (job, apartment and.. you know.. real life). But doing it is so hard when you are a Libra like me. So. Bloody. Hard.

I'm hoping writing this out for the whole world to see (or to the about 5 people who have stumbled upon this strange blog) will help me slightly alleviate the pressure in my brain to talk myself into a stupor on this topic. Because otherwise I might go and do something drastic.

(Nah, don't worry, I almost never do such things, ALSO because of the over-analyzing everything part.)

I'm perfectly aware of the fact that even meeting Mr. Sprouse will be a very faint, if not even almost impossible feat for me to perform at the current moment. He is very much over the Big Pond, shooting a TV show, being the broody, very handsome star that he is. And here's me. Sitting in front of my computer in the middle of the night, watching youtube videos of interviews with him, wondering what it would be like to even say "Hi!" to him. Definitely on a different continent, so much on a totally different walk of life.

Seeing as I like to logically think and over-rationalize everything, I know there is no way in hell I'm going to meet him anytime soon, unless I literally win the jackpot in lottery, buy myself a huge house somewhere and get friendly with all the celebs in America, at some point worming my way into the Riverdale crowd. Which is, now that I think about it, actually where I would most probably start.

But seeing as I'm still here, trying to get a job that pays enough for me to hold myself over the water, in a small, though beautiful, northern European country, and I don't like to spend money on lottery, it's pretty much just a dream.

Chuckling, I right now think about the moment about an hour earlier where I actually went to google to see how compatible our astrological signs were. I am cringing at myself, but I couldn't stop it. I did forcefully close the tab I was on after reading the first few lines and getting hit with the realization that what I was doing was, frankly, quite creepy. But, I still did it. Leo and Libra actually do fit quite nicely.

Ugh. I hate myself.

I don't, really.

I just sometimes hate my brain and the way it works. It makes me look like such a weirdo.

At other times, I embrace my freakiness full-heartedly. Most of the times, really. But sometimes I cringe at myself. Just to kind of keep the balance there. Need to keep the scales balanced, you know...

So now you know. I have a crush (as in, slightly tingly butterflies in the stomach, wistful sighing upon seeing a picture, giggling like a school-girl) on Cole Sprouse. Keep the dark hair, though. That's what's really selling it to me right now. I figured out I have a type. Dark hair, just slightly emo-ish tendencies, but not too strong, not too buff... so basically Cole as of the current, 2k17 moment.

I'm still cringing.

Why did puberty hit me at 25?

Or is it actually normal to feel this way, no matter how old you are?

Halp. Pls pls. (<- This is for a friend, if she ever reads this, you know who you are.)

Well. That's it for tonight's contemplations. I am fully aware I haven't been writing for at least over a month. But who's counting, eh? At least I am writing at all. Actually, feels kind of nice again.