Trains of thoughts

Tonight's Song: Marshmello - Alone

Not because of the lyrics, but instead the beat. It's amazing. So good, honestly, it's crazy!

I slept for way too long again. I'm not sure why my body needs regularly almost 12 hours of sleep. I know that letting your body sleep without an alarm and such is good, because then it wakes up on it's own and you don't feel as tired and it's all-in-all just good. But is sleeping 12 hours every day really good? I don't understand why my brain makes me sleep for so much longer than an average human being. Should I get it checked out? Maybe sleeping for that long regularly is not normal after all...

The funny thing is, even though I said I have a crush on someone just last night, I don't feel as if I need a man in my life right now. I am perfectly fine with being on my own and doing my own thing. Also, leaves much more space for my alone-time (which is A LOT already) and doing everything I want to do. Which brings me to the people who are right now looking at me like I've gone crazy. But it's not that crazy, really. Being alone does wonders to me. Yes, I do slack off in a lot of things, but I discover more and more of myself, since I'm only living for myself now, and not trying to impress someone else. I feel I've learned so much about myself and why I am such a weird human being ever since I was left to walk this Earth alone, rather than hand-in-hand with a man. It's really been a road of revelations and I feel ... relieved. Strange. I thought I would be lost for a very long time... But somehow I've gotten over the fact that I have to do things on my own now, and only look out for myself. I'm actually very happy that I'm on my own. I already stated why. I feel elevated, finally at peace.

I kinda want to sing again. More than just when being alone at home and then trying to belt out "Stone Cold" or "Prayer". Which are right now on my singing playlist, right at the top there. I know I'm not the best singer, at least that's what I've been telling myself, but I think my voice has changed a bit and I can hold my own now, even with these very strong songs. What I would really need is maybe a voice coach, but someone who doesn't coach classical, but rather pop music. I'm really not interested in becoming an opera star, and neither am I hugely interested in becoming a pop icon, even though I am ambitious enough to show people that I could do it if I wanted to. But I honestly don't feel as if that would be the right road for me. I'd rather sing on the side, maybe bring out a single or such, but keep it as a strong hobby. I'm such a flighty person, I think having singing to fall back to/to do on the side would be better for me, and at the same time pursue other things as well. I can't deal with doing one thing my whole life. I just can't. Yes, perhaps some people would see that as me being childish, naivé, even stupid. I, on the other hand, see it as creativity, the will and want to learn as much as possible with this one life I have been given. I see all the possibilities the world has to offer us and I want to pursue them all (or almost all). I have a feeling that being increasingly more versatile and able to change at a moment's notice is something our world and society is going to need more and more of when going into the future. I'd just rather go with the flow rather than stay a stagnant stone inside the river, slowly being rotted away into nothing by the incessant flow of the water.

It feels good writing these thoughts out. I wish I could have someone to actually discuss all of these different things I write about on here, but I guess having even an outlet for them here is more than some people get. I'm still hoping that this is helping me sort out my thoughts more and maybe become a bit more productive than I am right now. I guess I still kind of need that small limbo I'm in. It's gotten better. I do stuff, I do go to job interviews and send out CV-s and such.

Speaking of job interviews - I'm really hoping to get an invitation to one. I'm not going to publish the name of the company here, first of all I don't want to jinx it like that, secondly, I don't feel as if it would be professional, for some reason. But the company I applied to (and did a simulation test for already) is very innovative and as much as I've heard about the working environment there it seems so unlike anything I've seen yet for an office setting, it's really intriguing me. I am a volatile hater of routine and doing the same thing over and over again, day in, day out. As much as I heard, there's always something new to do, some new projects to work on inside the team and this is really pulling me in right now. I haven't felt this excited to apply to a company for a while now. I'm very much hoping to get an invitation soon and ... perhaps even work there, when fortuna smiles to me. In this case money doesn't even matter that much anymore. If everything goes well, I might only have to pay the communals instead of a full rent when I get an apartment, which would mean I wouldn't have to get a shitty job just for the money and stay there against my will.

Oh well. This has gotten long enough. I'll be saying good-night to everyone this time.

xoxo
Gossip Girl