Bday blues..?

It's my birthday in two days. I'm turning 25. I used to have a huge Potter-themed party planned, but ever since I came back to Estonia.. well, obviously no plan anymore. I guess I'll just go to GamesNight here on the 30th, play some Just Dance to win that Playstation 4, and see who decides to show up in costume. Since, you know, I don't really have a choice of cosplays at the current moment. Can't even dress up...

I've been on this earth for a quarter of a century now. It already feels like a lifetime, I can't even imagine what it would feel like when I turn 75.. if I make it that far. Who knows. Guess we'll see.

I just.. I feel as if I'm letting my life kind of flow by every now and then. I do experience new things, I'm not just sitting on my arse all of the time, but a lot of the time still I'm sitting here, thinking "what the hell are you doing with your life?"

I had a great interview today. I'm hoping that they will get back to me real soon and get me to continue into the second round. I'm very much hoping for that, actually. Even though I tell myself continuously to keep my expectations low, I can't help it. This company is a place where I think I would very much love to go to work. Even if gets stressful or difficult at times. They seem to be quite a drama-free environment there, or at least as much as I've heard about that. I mean, it's already a better outlook than your usual office setting. So here's to hoping I get a call-back soon.



I'm also thinking the title of this blog isn't quite as fitting anymore. I've definitely become more decisive in things, a lot more than a few months ago. I guess figuring yourself out helps with that? I'll perhaps change it to something more fitting after I post this.

Since I'm spending most of my birthday at home or at GamesNight all by my lonesome self, I guess it's not even really worth getting that excited over it. I'm hoping to get some good luck and win a Playstation 4 at GN, they're giving one away. Other than that, though... we'll see how the day goes.

Kings and their men

This is the night I got very excited for Kingsman 2 coming out the day after tomorrow. Or, well, if I look at my clock, technically already tomorrow. But I digress.

My friend and flatmate wanted me to go see Kingsman 2 premiere in our local cinema. I said, why not. Haven't been for a while. Just that, I hadn't seen Kingsman: The Secret Service yet. So, a few quick minutes later, I started watching it. And let me tell you, that was some bloody fucked up shit. I liked the action, it was very well executed, the underlying idea of the bad guy(s) was, honestly, not without some merit, but, indeed, a bit stupidly thought out. I did enjoy Samuel L. Jackson with a lisp, though. He did a marvellous job.

The rest of the cast was fairly brilliant as well. Some old faces, some new. All-in-all: I give it a thumbs up.

And then I went to watch the trailers for the sequel. Boiiiiiii lemme tell ya.

Some of the best editing I've seen for movie trailers yet! Amazingly on point, absolutely perfectly into the music, just the right amount of comedy, action and surprise, and yet another huge cast of stars. Maybe overcompensating for something just a bit with that, but honestly, I'm not complaining too much. Mr. Tatum is there, so.. *insert the sexy smirk smilie*

I'm honestly kind of hyped now for Wednesday. Pretty hyped indeed. And then there's AniMatsuri to look forward to on the weekend. I also got my car officially registered here today. So I think this week should be quite an okay one. =)

Thanks for reading, and as always,

bye!

Human

The strands are whipping her face violently. The crossroad is beckoning, and yet pushing her away with all it's might. She knows eventually all roads lead her there, so why not just get it over with?

The longer she stands there, the harder the decisions get. The less time she has to make them. It'll run out soon enough, the time. There's not much left.

It's all a blur, really. She can't remember crystal clear details, never has been able to. Maybe that's part of why she can let go more easily than other family members. Than other people. Because she doesn't have the memories to associate in the end. Perhaps that's why people might think her callous, cold. Manipulative. The real reason, though, is she cries just like anyone else. She laughs, she feels, she .. emotes. She is just another human being. Unique, just like everyone else. Not better, or worse than anyone else. A human.

Others tend to forget. Forget that in the end, we are all these tiny beings on an even tinier planet with an expiration date. Us and the planet. We're not immortal, we can never be. And honestly, she thinks, immortality is more than overrated. You would eventually forget what it was to be human. You would not feel anything anymore. And it's simply not worth it. It just isn't, to perish with the only place we had to live in at one point. Immortality won't bring you anything if you have literally nothing under your feet anymore. You would hang, suspended in vacuum, for ever thrifting through space, distant stars and universes. Where is the point in there? What would that bring you, the only person left?

She knows all this, and knows she wants to live her life as good as she can. She doesn't want to know everything. She doesn't want to do everything. What she does want is to live and laugh at the sheep following blindly. Never questioning. Never wondering. Only bleeping and munching on their grass. Good luck to them, she whispers.

The crossroad's still there. It'll never go away. But she knows now not to fear it. Even if it pulls and pushes at her at the same time. Slowly, agonizingly ripping her apart from the inside. She doesn't fear the pain, nor what's to come. No. She's only there for the ride, and she is making sure to enjoy it to the fullest.

Trains of thoughts

Tonight's Song: Marshmello - Alone

Not because of the lyrics, but instead the beat. It's amazing. So good, honestly, it's crazy!

I slept for way too long again. I'm not sure why my body needs regularly almost 12 hours of sleep. I know that letting your body sleep without an alarm and such is good, because then it wakes up on it's own and you don't feel as tired and it's all-in-all just good. But is sleeping 12 hours every day really good? I don't understand why my brain makes me sleep for so much longer than an average human being. Should I get it checked out? Maybe sleeping for that long regularly is not normal after all...

The funny thing is, even though I said I have a crush on someone just last night, I don't feel as if I need a man in my life right now. I am perfectly fine with being on my own and doing my own thing. Also, leaves much more space for my alone-time (which is A LOT already) and doing everything I want to do. Which brings me to the people who are right now looking at me like I've gone crazy. But it's not that crazy, really. Being alone does wonders to me. Yes, I do slack off in a lot of things, but I discover more and more of myself, since I'm only living for myself now, and not trying to impress someone else. I feel I've learned so much about myself and why I am such a weird human being ever since I was left to walk this Earth alone, rather than hand-in-hand with a man. It's really been a road of revelations and I feel ... relieved. Strange. I thought I would be lost for a very long time... But somehow I've gotten over the fact that I have to do things on my own now, and only look out for myself. I'm actually very happy that I'm on my own. I already stated why. I feel elevated, finally at peace.

I kinda want to sing again. More than just when being alone at home and then trying to belt out "Stone Cold" or "Prayer". Which are right now on my singing playlist, right at the top there. I know I'm not the best singer, at least that's what I've been telling myself, but I think my voice has changed a bit and I can hold my own now, even with these very strong songs. What I would really need is maybe a voice coach, but someone who doesn't coach classical, but rather pop music. I'm really not interested in becoming an opera star, and neither am I hugely interested in becoming a pop icon, even though I am ambitious enough to show people that I could do it if I wanted to. But I honestly don't feel as if that would be the right road for me. I'd rather sing on the side, maybe bring out a single or such, but keep it as a strong hobby. I'm such a flighty person, I think having singing to fall back to/to do on the side would be better for me, and at the same time pursue other things as well. I can't deal with doing one thing my whole life. I just can't. Yes, perhaps some people would see that as me being childish, naivé, even stupid. I, on the other hand, see it as creativity, the will and want to learn as much as possible with this one life I have been given. I see all the possibilities the world has to offer us and I want to pursue them all (or almost all). I have a feeling that being increasingly more versatile and able to change at a moment's notice is something our world and society is going to need more and more of when going into the future. I'd just rather go with the flow rather than stay a stagnant stone inside the river, slowly being rotted away into nothing by the incessant flow of the water.

It feels good writing these thoughts out. I wish I could have someone to actually discuss all of these different things I write about on here, but I guess having even an outlet for them here is more than some people get. I'm still hoping that this is helping me sort out my thoughts more and maybe become a bit more productive than I am right now. I guess I still kind of need that small limbo I'm in. It's gotten better. I do stuff, I do go to job interviews and send out CV-s and such.

Speaking of job interviews - I'm really hoping to get an invitation to one. I'm not going to publish the name of the company here, first of all I don't want to jinx it like that, secondly, I don't feel as if it would be professional, for some reason. But the company I applied to (and did a simulation test for already) is very innovative and as much as I've heard about the working environment there it seems so unlike anything I've seen yet for an office setting, it's really intriguing me. I am a volatile hater of routine and doing the same thing over and over again, day in, day out. As much as I heard, there's always something new to do, some new projects to work on inside the team and this is really pulling me in right now. I haven't felt this excited to apply to a company for a while now. I'm very much hoping to get an invitation soon and ... perhaps even work there, when fortuna smiles to me. In this case money doesn't even matter that much anymore. If everything goes well, I might only have to pay the communals instead of a full rent when I get an apartment, which would mean I wouldn't have to get a shitty job just for the money and stay there against my will.

Oh well. This has gotten long enough. I'll be saying good-night to everyone this time.

xoxo
Gossip Girl

Hi, I'm 25, and I have a celebrity crush.

Well, the title just about says it all.

I have, after gratefully being out of puberty and everything it entails, including full-blown, heart-rending, incredibly impossible celebrity crushes, for quite a few years now, managed to garner a new celebrity crush. God damnit.

I honestly thought I was done with that. I reverently hoped I was done with it, really. And then comes along Riverdale, that thrice-damned CW show.

It's going to be quite a cliché, obviously (and NO! It's not Archie aka KJ Apa, even though he is hot enough to be.. but for some reason just ... doesn't do it). Thank you, Cole Sprouse, for growing up, dyeing your hair almost black and being so incredibly impressive as Jughead to make me fall, HARD.

I'm honestly not even going to be embarrassed by this, because crushes happen. It's inevitable, and quite frankly, we're all human. I've long learned to stop being embarrassed about these small things. Makes life so much easier.

But I'm not quite sure how to deal with myself right now. As I was reading up on myself (astrological sign, MB test type, Hogwarts House etc) last week, I kind of had a huge revelation on who I really am. Well, I've known for long enough that I'm a Libra, obviously, but my Myers-Briggs type has definitely changed slightly over the years and that really took me by surprise and made me finally understand that I was not alone in the world, or that I was really an alien who could never quite fit in. No, it was just that I was a Slytherin ISTP Libra. So now you know.

But what I really understood about myself, putting together everything that I'd read about, was that I was the type of person to over-analyse (preferrably out loud to myself) and re-think everything from every possible angle, until I was left going absolutely mad because I couldn't decide for the best road to move forwards at. This issue also really made me struggle during this year, which is why at one point the decision was kind of ripped from my hands and made for me, without me having the chance to really remedy that situation anymore. It changed the way I am now interacting with people and the world, and it definitely changed my views.

The bad thing about being that way, calculating everything, weighing everything, trying to rationalize, and yet still stay emotional and romantic and all that jazz, is it makes me abso-fucking-lutely crazy. I will become obsessed with this one thing (in this case, my crush on Cole here) and I won't be able to really think about anything else during that time. I'm trying to make a concious decision to really push it to the back of my mind since I do actually have priorities that I have to fulfill beforehand (job, apartment and.. you know.. real life). But doing it is so hard when you are a Libra like me. So. Bloody. Hard.

I'm hoping writing this out for the whole world to see (or to the about 5 people who have stumbled upon this strange blog) will help me slightly alleviate the pressure in my brain to talk myself into a stupor on this topic. Because otherwise I might go and do something drastic.

(Nah, don't worry, I almost never do such things, ALSO because of the over-analyzing everything part.)

I'm perfectly aware of the fact that even meeting Mr. Sprouse will be a very faint, if not even almost impossible feat for me to perform at the current moment. He is very much over the Big Pond, shooting a TV show, being the broody, very handsome star that he is. And here's me. Sitting in front of my computer in the middle of the night, watching youtube videos of interviews with him, wondering what it would be like to even say "Hi!" to him. Definitely on a different continent, so much on a totally different walk of life.

Seeing as I like to logically think and over-rationalize everything, I know there is no way in hell I'm going to meet him anytime soon, unless I literally win the jackpot in lottery, buy myself a huge house somewhere and get friendly with all the celebs in America, at some point worming my way into the Riverdale crowd. Which is, now that I think about it, actually where I would most probably start.

But seeing as I'm still here, trying to get a job that pays enough for me to hold myself over the water, in a small, though beautiful, northern European country, and I don't like to spend money on lottery, it's pretty much just a dream.

Chuckling, I right now think about the moment about an hour earlier where I actually went to google to see how compatible our astrological signs were. I am cringing at myself, but I couldn't stop it. I did forcefully close the tab I was on after reading the first few lines and getting hit with the realization that what I was doing was, frankly, quite creepy. But, I still did it. Leo and Libra actually do fit quite nicely.

Ugh. I hate myself.

I don't, really.

I just sometimes hate my brain and the way it works. It makes me look like such a weirdo.

At other times, I embrace my freakiness full-heartedly. Most of the times, really. But sometimes I cringe at myself. Just to kind of keep the balance there. Need to keep the scales balanced, you know...

So now you know. I have a crush (as in, slightly tingly butterflies in the stomach, wistful sighing upon seeing a picture, giggling like a school-girl) on Cole Sprouse. Keep the dark hair, though. That's what's really selling it to me right now. I figured out I have a type. Dark hair, just slightly emo-ish tendencies, but not too strong, not too buff... so basically Cole as of the current, 2k17 moment.

I'm still cringing.

Why did puberty hit me at 25?

Or is it actually normal to feel this way, no matter how old you are?

Halp. Pls pls. (<- This is for a friend, if she ever reads this, you know who you are.)

Well. That's it for tonight's contemplations. I am fully aware I haven't been writing for at least over a month. But who's counting, eh? At least I am writing at all. Actually, feels kind of nice again.