Lost

It's been a hot minute. I kind of got over my social media break and am now back there. Definitely learned to not take things for face value there, and I know better how to control my reactions to things that people post.

I'm more concerned about my apathy and lack of just... any sort of motivation to do anything besides wake up, make+eat food and watch Youtube or Netflix.

That has literally been everything that I did yesterday and today. And I even have a list of things I actually need to do/make/DIY during this month, not to talk about actually doing laundry, washing my dishes, defrosting my fridge...

And yet here I am, barely even wanting to type this out. Something is compelling me to type it out, maybe in the hopes that when I express this out loud (harhar) it somehow pushes me to become more active again and not just hurt my butt sitting on the chair for hours on end, staring at either the computer screen or my phone screen.

I don't know what's wrong with me that I get these stages of absolute apathy. Sure, at least I am there enough to feed myself and, y'know, actually keep me alive, but do anything else actually productive or what I need to do - I just.. I can't.

Inside my brain:

"Okay you KNOW you need to go defrost that fridge, so just get up off your ass after this video is done and go start emptying it out."

"... okay and there's one more 6 here, oh wait, there's even more left? Where the fuck.. I checked everything--- give me a second, let me finish coloring in this picture on my phone and then I'll go do it I guess"

And this is how it keeps on going round and round and round until I'm too sleepy and it's like 8 am and I realize I have been up all night again so I go sleep during the day, wake up at like 5 pm and ... well.. you all know where it continues again.

I honestly don't know how to change this. I have noticed that I do become motivated and actually do stuff when there are other people involved, or if I am under time crunch. So for example, I needed to write a poem for my team lead who is soon going to be leaving our team due to her promotion. I knew I had to do it, but couldn't really get myself to do it, until the actual day came that we needed to present things to her - and then I wrote her a bloody song.

Like, I clean only when I know that someone is coming over. I only get myself up off my ass and DIY something when it is the last minute and I know that I NEED TO DO IT or everyone, including myself, will be disappointed (sometimes even that doesn't work).

Making lists and trying to break things down into small parts to do.. it just doesn't help. I've tried all that. I am shit at actually following lists, I keep misplacing them (if they aren't on my phone - and even then I don't really look at them there, but instead just procrastinate on instagram, FB, or in one of my weird games I have on there), and even if I do a small thing, it doesn't motivate me enough to actually continue through with the rest of it right after. Example:

There is a themed birthday party coming up, theme is "Kings and Queens". After a while deciding, I finally went with Ice Queen for myself because I have enough materials at home (I hope) to make a full costume out of it - because I am really broke and can't buy anything besides food anymore this month. So, I decided to start with the crown. With the last of my money that I had actually put aside for the DIY I got some loose glitter, some glittery pipe cleaners (for sturdiness) and glue sticks. And I started making the crown. To add to that, I made it on stream, in front of people watching, and there actually were people watching.

I remember it felt so good. It felt lovely just to have people actually come to my stream and watch what I do and like it and follow my channel for that, and I remember that I was super proud of myself when I finished the crown and it didn't look 100% like shit. And I remember wanting to continue that, like wanting to keep on going on that positive mood. But somehow, it just faded away really quickly, and now when I look at the crown and think "I should continue on the dress etc cause that's gonna be much more difficult" I don't really feel anything. Just kind of emptiness, no real positivity, no motivation, no feeling that I really do want to get up from this chair or couch, go get the materials and see what I can come up with. Like, there is a part of my brain that is constantly thinking and trying to figure out the rest of the costume, but it's not strong enough to override this apathy that makes me just keep on sitting, playing my stupid coloring game on my phone and having youtube play in the background (it's become my TV at this point, as I don't watch regular TV anymore - don't own one, in fact).

I can't figure out where this apathy comes from. There are times when I am constantly running around and doing something and trying to figure something out, but then there are so many more times when I literally just lay around, phone in hand, yt playing, doing absolutely nothing productive. And those times, I feel, are just getting worse and worse right now. Perhaps a part of it has to do with the weather - it's constantly dark outside and I don't want to go out even during the small parts where there is light because I hate the cold...

But I just feel like I'm floating in some gray space with a few flashes of light here and there (like a party here and maybe a small thing there that get me out of the apartment), but mostly just this gray empty space where I can't find anything to properly hold on to, which kind of translates to me physically just also floating around and doing nothing proper and just wasting my time completely by doing nothing.

And even thinking about all this, I am still unable to find anything to hold on to for the motivation. It's like I need a third party from the very outside to come and pull me and give me something to hold on to for a while for me to resurface and realize that there is a world out there that's not just gray.

That happens, and then I am back to the positive bubbly old me again, but as soon as that outside motivation has depleted itself - it's like I'm an empty car battery. You can start me up, sure, and maybe also charge me up a bit by driving me around, but as soon as you leave me standing for even a minute, I deplete all the energy that I got and I'm back to being dead again.

I kind of feel like crying when writing this and proof-reading it (hello grammar nazi, even weird late-night blog posts need to be checked for grammar yay me -.-) afterwards, but at the same time I also feel too apathetic to even cry. Just got a tear in my eye, I sighed, thought about it and then just went back to the monotone resting bitch face that I have.

My butt is literally falling asleep by now as I have been sitting on this chair for hours on end. I did get up and made myself food - it cheered me up a little for the duration of the time I ate it. Once it was gone - boom, empty again. Not hungry, just empty.

I am going to therapy. Have my next session on Wednesday. Last time the doc wrote out a few homeopathic tablets that she suggested I get - but I don't want to. I've always been strongly against any types of pills that warp the way I take in things, how my brain works etc even the slightest bit (and yes, considering I do still drink alcohol from time to time it's a bit weird, but stfu). I know that homeopathic stuff is not as strong as the typical pharmaceuticals (which I will never ever ingest, fuck that), but I still feel like I do not want to be dependent on anything else. The only pills that I literally take in regularly are my anti-baby pills. Even those I sometimes forget, but mostly not as it's kind of become a part of my life. BUT. I do NOT want any other pills (honestly, I don't even take any types of vitamins, because I just forget, I just forget to take them regularly) to be dependent on or to have them enter my regular routine. I don't feel like it at all, everything in me just screams no to that.

I don't know how to become a proper alive battery again, instead of this almost-dead battery that you can start up, but that falls back into being dead really quickly as soon as the momentum is gone. I guess I don't know how to live for myself - it's always something, or usually someone, from the outside that gives me this motivation to get up and do stuff and be a real person, but I can never find that from inside myself. Do I even have that inside me or is there really just this empty space that I can't fill because there literally is nothing that would fit and could fill that space?

A small part of me is dying more and more every day that passes underneath this apathy and emptiness. And I don't have enough motivation to even stop that. I'm not yet that bad that I would just lie and not even feed myself... but I feel like that is creeping ever closer. I don't know what else to do. I am lost.