Do you know the feeling when you realize you are no longer the main character in your life?

My existence is pain. Pure agony. Not physical, mental. I feel absolutely, utterly useless. I have nothing to offer, I whine about everything, and I cry every day. Every single day.

Oh, don't worry. This isn't a suicide letter or anything. I understood a long time ago that I won't be able to hurt myself in any physical way. It would be too selfish towards the people who care about me, and I can't be that selfish. Plus my executive dysfunction functions very well, not letting me do anything. So I continue to find myself back in the gray empty void, floating with no anchor, no tether, nothing to grab onto. 

Main characters always have that one friend or family member who eventually, at the MC's lowest point, storm into their living quarters, rip the curtains open to let light in, help the MC clean and cook and get back on their feet. That's what main characters always have. In television. But not always in reality. Instead I am the little-liked whiny side character that doesn't really get much of a character development and is only there to serve as occasional comedic relief or antagonist to the true MC. No heroic friends storming the castle and helping me defeat the dragon called depression here. Because the only thing I keep hearing from everyone is that I have to help myself. I have to want to help myself, have to be strong for myself because no one is coming to save me. 

So when my own brain is my worst enemy... how do I save myself from myself?

It's been almost 5 years since I last wrote something here. I think this is just another empty void where I purge my word vomit and no one actually reads these, except for me whenever I remember that I even have a blog. 

Often enough I wish to die. To just close my eyes one day and never wake up again. It would be so easy. I can imagine enough ways to do it, easily. In my mind's eye, I see myself doing it. And in reality I am sitting curled up wherever, staring blankly into space beyond the mortal realm and not actually being able to move myself. Ah, easy... but as I keep getting reminded, life is not supposed to be easy. At least, not for the majority of us. The select few precious souls who have no cares in the world, who are the true main characters of their lives, for them life is easy. They don't have to fight against anything. They don't have to fight against their own brains, every second of every day. They just... live. And I wonder what that's like...

I have let down literally every single person who has ever known me, in one way or another. I've let down people who don't know me and never will. I can't keep promises, ever, because I can't even keep any promises made to myself. I don't trust myself, I don't trust my brain. I have no control over it. I don't know who I am.

I don't know your name, whoever you are up there in my head. I don't recognize myself in mirrors. I see an image there and it looks like a total stranger. I don't know myself. I'm not sure if I have ever been truly "myself" or if it's just another mask that my brain has conjured, this time for me alone to see. My amygdala is working overtime to keep me locked in my own head. I don't recognize myself. Do you get it? I don't recognize myself!!!

And it all hurts. It hurts so much that I can sometimes almost feel my heart breaking inside me. Over and over and over again. I keep breaking my own heart into smaller and smaller pieces. It's honestly a wonder there is anything left to break. Though, maybe there isn't anymore. Maybe the pain I feel is just a phantom. No longer real. 

Official diagnoses: ADHD and moderate depression. More like severe depression, but just "moderate" on paper.

I don't really have any support systems. I have one parent living in another country, one grandparent who doesn't and will never understand what is happening to me fully, and a bunch of half-assed promises from friends to help me and understand what I am going through and promising to be there if I just ask for help. But then 9 times out of 10 no one shows up when I do ask. Obviously, I have slowly stopped asking. I've also probably annoyed the fuck out of everyone with my constant whining, so I'd rather keep to myself than make even more people scorn me.

I try to go to therapy. It costs me a fortune. So do the meds. But they don't help. So I can't even make myself go to work. Meaning, I don't get paid enough. Ergo, not enough money for meds and therapy. And the vicious circle closes.

My life consists of these circles. I am stuck in a void of circles, unable to break out of them. Self-destructing in a slow, apathetic, numb way at every turn. My ups last for a few days at a time, maybe, if even that. My lows, on the other hand though... oh, they love to persist. They adore me so much that they barely want to leave. And me being so stuck in my misfortune and woe, I basically invite them in with tea and crumpets and fanfare.

Anyone know where I could get a new brain? No? Okay...

I want to get better, but I don't. I want to dream and actually fulfil those dreams, but I also don't. It is non-stop, this struggle. Whoever the real me is, she is stuck between two dragons constantly duking it out in my head. There is never a winner, because their only goal is to make me miserable, not actually kill one another. 

So I persist. I exist. I live. I sleep. I eat (barely). I drink (barely). And I guess I am. But who or what? I don't know.

This is a bit of a novella here, isn't it? Well, it's really only for myself anyway, so who cares.

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