I regularly find myself wishing there were more to this life than regular everyday mundane shit. I guess a lot of people do that. I'm not so far as to say I can't separate the reality from fantasy, but honestly... I wish so hard for the fantasy to come into reality. For them to finally merge. Because getting yelled at for making a call to one of my very few friends late in the evening really makes me hate reality right now.
25 years and counting, and I still haven't been able to get a space of my own. I still have to tiptoe around people, because I can't afford to upset them. I still have to stay quiet and meek and nice whilst being berated, scrutinized and judged for every single thing I do or don't do. I'm so sick and tired of this. I'm a grown person. I don't want to feel like a kid anymore. I don't have to feel like a kid anymore. But yet - here we are. And nothing has changed.
I'm simply not cut out for co-habitation. Not for the kind where I have to constantly be alert so as not to upset the person I'm living with. Because it's never really my home. Yeah, as a kid it's understandable. But as a grown-up? I have yet to really feel at home anywhere I've lived ever since I could take care of myself. It simply never felt 100% like home. Like I could actually really do what I want. Because I couldn't. I had to always think of what someone else wozld think. What the actual owner of said "home" wouls think. Because I have yet to be the owner. And I am slowly going insane because of it.
I'm constantly alert to anything I might have done wrong. I honestly cringe as soon as I hear the jingle of the keys behind the apartment door, because my mind immediately jumps to all the things I probably messed up, forgot or that were "elementary". Funny story, elementary, by the by.
I just recently figured out a possible solution to why some things that most common people find elementary - like cleaning stuff up immediately after use, sweeping the floor as soon as I see one small fleck or some dust, just all in all keeping clean and tidy and busy and such - I don't even spare a thought to. I have logical thinking, yes, and I can clearly see why such examples would be "elementary" for most people. But have you ever thought about the fact that my mind simply works in a different way?
I have had problems with my long-term memory for quite a while. I'm not talking about facts and acquired skills, I'm talking about actual memories. Experiences with others, childhood happenings, everyday stuff. I can't seem to access most of them. Mostly everything I know from my childhood has by now been supplied through other people, and even that's not much. I don't remember myself in those situations, I can only believe what others say happened and hope it's what really happened. The most I get is sometimes a flash or two of situations where I know it's my own memories because I haven't talked to the people involved since. But those are very rare flashes. Most of the time I'm simply reduced to shaking my head regretfully and saying "sorry, I really can't remember that". And other people looking at me like I've gone crazy. Because they have their memories, clear as day. And I feel crazy. As if there's something wrong with me...
Well, as I said I recently figured out that probably due to the loss of such memories I also haven't really retained any of the "elementary" things that are usually instilled into kids at home, in kindergarten and early school years. Things like "remember to clean up after yourself", "would you do this if you were a guest at someone's?" etc. I don't have that instillment. I don't have things that are "elementary", or at least elementary for others. I do have a few things that I keep to, my own personal rules. Some of them I do kind of consider elementary. And then I notice others don't really consider it to be elementary for them. So yet again I'm left wondering what the actual fuck is wrong with me. Or maybe I'm the one who is finally on the right way and everyone else is still walking around on limbo? Maybe I managed to pull myself out of the matrix just a little bit? No one knows that. I just wish there were someone who actually agrees with me for once. Shows me that I am not completely alone in this... That I am not crazy....
Where was I?...
Oh yes. Cringe. I'm on edge. I can't really relax. I relax when I'm alone, somewhat, but since I usually don't know exactly when people return, I can't make myself relax completely. I am a person who seeks for companionship when I need it, but most of the time functions best alone or through virtual space where I don't have to physically be near people. I'm not a loner, I enjoy conversing and having fun interactions with people, but I can't stand having to be close to someone for a prolonged time and always make sure I don't offend them somehow or just... Being on edge around them all the time. I have yet to find a person I can completely relax around and I dare say it'll be slim pickings for the rest of my life.
I just want my own space. For the first time in my life. Where absolutely no one but me has the keys to. Where I can finally, FINALLY relax and just breathe. Where I don't have to constantly prove myself. Where I can be me, without scrutiny, without judgement, without eyes on me 24/7. Where I can choose to let people in, rather than have them barge in whenever they feel like it. I want my peace. That's all I ask. Peace to lead my life the way I want to. I haven't died yet, have I? I haven't resorted to drugs and never will. I despise smoking. I rarely drink. I hate coffee for crying out loud. You don't think I can take care of myself? That's because I actually have never gotten the 100% chance to. There's always someone else's view of life to contest with. For once, let me lead my life the way, exactly the way I want to. Perhaps you'll be surprised.
Let me have my peace, fucking please!!!
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