I think my brain just threw up.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely.

Obviously, in this day and age of ze internetz, you have already probably heard multiple youtubers and read immense amounts of blogs that say the exact same thing.

And yet, I still write about it. Because it's something that's completely relevant and will never actually "go out", as memes or other shit does.

And why am I writing about this tonight? Because tonight, I feel lonely. Well, actually, I've felt lonely all weekend. I feel like I have changed from the person who was pretty much fine being alone and doing my own stuff, to someone who actually needs and craves more human interaction than I used to. I'm not sure how, when or why that exactly happened, but for some reason, I've been mopey and craving human interaction all weekend. And the only one I actually got together with was my grandma today.

And the fact is - I hate myself right now for feeling this way. What happened to me not needing anyone? What happened to me being perfectly fine being alone, sitting in front of my PC, watching YT, gaming, streaming, reading and whatever the fuck else? Where did that me go? She's been literally MIA all weekend, and it has started to bother me A LOT.

Feelings are the toughest bloody motherfuckers you are ever going to encounter in your life. They are what make you a human, but they can so completely fuck you up and over and sideways that you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

And now I'm literally crying, for absolutely no damn reason at all! The eff?! I don't know what is happening and I'm honestly scared of myself because I can't find any reason in the thoughts that I think and the feelings that I feel and I'm not even sure if I should be typing this out for the whole wide world to read, but tbh - don't give a fuck about that either. Now that's what I call being bipolar.

I'm hoping that getting back to work tomorrow will get me out of this funk. I'll at least get to see my momentarily favourite people again, which is a small ray of light.

I've noticed that I've started to have mood-swings again. One day I'm really happy, bubbly and over-the-top, and next day I'm bawling my eyes out, without any reason. I guess I should perhaps write more often. It helps me spew everything out onto the screen instead of corking it up inside and hoping it'll go away. Because it never goes away and I learned that the hard way a year ago. So here I am, writing everything down now. Cause I need to get it out and I don't currently want to bother anyone separately with my yammering, so here you go, world. Hear just a little bit more of whining.

I can't settle down. It's a nice evening, I got some physical work done with my grandma today, so I should be happy I was productive on a Sunday. I should be relaxed, listening to some smooth tunes and reading, or playing a game, or just watching one YT video after the other. My brain tells me to do just that. It's literally screaming at me right now to stop writing this non-sense and go continue The Lord of the Rings that I started yesterday, and yet my fingers won't stop typing. My body won't settle down. I feel anxious and jumpy, and I fidget around, not able to find a comfortable position. I'm missing something. And I'm pretty sure I know what that something is.

Just that, I promised. I promised first of all myself, and, even more importantly, to someone else. And I have to keep that promise, I have to find a way to calm down, to stop thinking and actually concentrate on something else. Because it's absolutely not healthy, what I am doing right now. I should stop.

Okay, that sounds way more dramatic than I ever wanted. But at the same time, it's what's going on in my brain. And this blog is all about writing out everything, uncensored - for the most part.

Basically. I just need someone to cuddle with. And as the world so aptly tells me - being an adult still doesn't mean you get what you want or need. Even if you have the option to. Because you have to respect other people's wishes. And I hate being an adult sometimes. Not most of the time, but sometimes. Like tonight.

So I'm going to finish off this post, go yell at myself to stop being a weird creepy lonely person, and read the damn book.

Perhaps I can get to the part where Aragorn shows up tonight. That should cheer me up just a bit. We'll see. The book does indeed take much more time than the movies do to bring in the really yummy characters.

Still miss you, though. Even if it makes me sound more clingy than I want to be. Guess we have to take the bad, weird and shitty parts along with the cute, funny and good ones, right?