Do you know the feeling when you realize you are no longer the main character in your life?

My existence is pain. Pure agony. Not physical, mental. I feel absolutely, utterly useless. I have nothing to offer, I whine about everything, and I cry every day. Every single day.

Oh, don't worry. This isn't a suicide letter or anything. I understood a long time ago that I won't be able to hurt myself in any physical way. It would be too selfish towards the people who care about me, and I can't be that selfish. Plus my executive dysfunction functions very well, not letting me do anything. So I continue to find myself back in the gray empty void, floating with no anchor, no tether, nothing to grab onto. 

Main characters always have that one friend or family member who eventually, at the MC's lowest point, storm into their living quarters, rip the curtains open to let light in, help the MC clean and cook and get back on their feet. That's what main characters always have. In television. But not always in reality. Instead I am the little-liked whiny side character that doesn't really get much of a character development and is only there to serve as occasional comedic relief or antagonist to the true MC. No heroic friends storming the castle and helping me defeat the dragon called depression here. Because the only thing I keep hearing from everyone is that I have to help myself. I have to want to help myself, have to be strong for myself because no one is coming to save me. 

So when my own brain is my worst enemy... how do I save myself from myself?

It's been almost 5 years since I last wrote something here. I think this is just another empty void where I purge my word vomit and no one actually reads these, except for me whenever I remember that I even have a blog. 

Often enough I wish to die. To just close my eyes one day and never wake up again. It would be so easy. I can imagine enough ways to do it, easily. In my mind's eye, I see myself doing it. And in reality I am sitting curled up wherever, staring blankly into space beyond the mortal realm and not actually being able to move myself. Ah, easy... but as I keep getting reminded, life is not supposed to be easy. At least, not for the majority of us. The select few precious souls who have no cares in the world, who are the true main characters of their lives, for them life is easy. They don't have to fight against anything. They don't have to fight against their own brains, every second of every day. They just... live. And I wonder what that's like...

I have let down literally every single person who has ever known me, in one way or another. I've let down people who don't know me and never will. I can't keep promises, ever, because I can't even keep any promises made to myself. I don't trust myself, I don't trust my brain. I have no control over it. I don't know who I am.

I don't know your name, whoever you are up there in my head. I don't recognize myself in mirrors. I see an image there and it looks like a total stranger. I don't know myself. I'm not sure if I have ever been truly "myself" or if it's just another mask that my brain has conjured, this time for me alone to see. My amygdala is working overtime to keep me locked in my own head. I don't recognize myself. Do you get it? I don't recognize myself!!!

And it all hurts. It hurts so much that I can sometimes almost feel my heart breaking inside me. Over and over and over again. I keep breaking my own heart into smaller and smaller pieces. It's honestly a wonder there is anything left to break. Though, maybe there isn't anymore. Maybe the pain I feel is just a phantom. No longer real. 

Official diagnoses: ADHD and moderate depression. More like severe depression, but just "moderate" on paper.

I don't really have any support systems. I have one parent living in another country, one grandparent who doesn't and will never understand what is happening to me fully, and a bunch of half-assed promises from friends to help me and understand what I am going through and promising to be there if I just ask for help. But then 9 times out of 10 no one shows up when I do ask. Obviously, I have slowly stopped asking. I've also probably annoyed the fuck out of everyone with my constant whining, so I'd rather keep to myself than make even more people scorn me.

I try to go to therapy. It costs me a fortune. So do the meds. But they don't help. So I can't even make myself go to work. Meaning, I don't get paid enough. Ergo, not enough money for meds and therapy. And the vicious circle closes.

My life consists of these circles. I am stuck in a void of circles, unable to break out of them. Self-destructing in a slow, apathetic, numb way at every turn. My ups last for a few days at a time, maybe, if even that. My lows, on the other hand though... oh, they love to persist. They adore me so much that they barely want to leave. And me being so stuck in my misfortune and woe, I basically invite them in with tea and crumpets and fanfare.

Anyone know where I could get a new brain? No? Okay...

I want to get better, but I don't. I want to dream and actually fulfil those dreams, but I also don't. It is non-stop, this struggle. Whoever the real me is, she is stuck between two dragons constantly duking it out in my head. There is never a winner, because their only goal is to make me miserable, not actually kill one another. 

So I persist. I exist. I live. I sleep. I eat (barely). I drink (barely). And I guess I am. But who or what? I don't know.

This is a bit of a novella here, isn't it? Well, it's really only for myself anyway, so who cares.

230728 15:58

Lost

It's been a hot minute. I kind of got over my social media break and am now back there. Definitely learned to not take things for face value there, and I know better how to control my reactions to things that people post.

I'm more concerned about my apathy and lack of just... any sort of motivation to do anything besides wake up, make+eat food and watch Youtube or Netflix.

That has literally been everything that I did yesterday and today. And I even have a list of things I actually need to do/make/DIY during this month, not to talk about actually doing laundry, washing my dishes, defrosting my fridge...

And yet here I am, barely even wanting to type this out. Something is compelling me to type it out, maybe in the hopes that when I express this out loud (harhar) it somehow pushes me to become more active again and not just hurt my butt sitting on the chair for hours on end, staring at either the computer screen or my phone screen.

I don't know what's wrong with me that I get these stages of absolute apathy. Sure, at least I am there enough to feed myself and, y'know, actually keep me alive, but do anything else actually productive or what I need to do - I just.. I can't.

Inside my brain:

"Okay you KNOW you need to go defrost that fridge, so just get up off your ass after this video is done and go start emptying it out."

"... okay and there's one more 6 here, oh wait, there's even more left? Where the fuck.. I checked everything--- give me a second, let me finish coloring in this picture on my phone and then I'll go do it I guess"

And this is how it keeps on going round and round and round until I'm too sleepy and it's like 8 am and I realize I have been up all night again so I go sleep during the day, wake up at like 5 pm and ... well.. you all know where it continues again.

I honestly don't know how to change this. I have noticed that I do become motivated and actually do stuff when there are other people involved, or if I am under time crunch. So for example, I needed to write a poem for my team lead who is soon going to be leaving our team due to her promotion. I knew I had to do it, but couldn't really get myself to do it, until the actual day came that we needed to present things to her - and then I wrote her a bloody song.

Like, I clean only when I know that someone is coming over. I only get myself up off my ass and DIY something when it is the last minute and I know that I NEED TO DO IT or everyone, including myself, will be disappointed (sometimes even that doesn't work).

Making lists and trying to break things down into small parts to do.. it just doesn't help. I've tried all that. I am shit at actually following lists, I keep misplacing them (if they aren't on my phone - and even then I don't really look at them there, but instead just procrastinate on instagram, FB, or in one of my weird games I have on there), and even if I do a small thing, it doesn't motivate me enough to actually continue through with the rest of it right after. Example:

There is a themed birthday party coming up, theme is "Kings and Queens". After a while deciding, I finally went with Ice Queen for myself because I have enough materials at home (I hope) to make a full costume out of it - because I am really broke and can't buy anything besides food anymore this month. So, I decided to start with the crown. With the last of my money that I had actually put aside for the DIY I got some loose glitter, some glittery pipe cleaners (for sturdiness) and glue sticks. And I started making the crown. To add to that, I made it on stream, in front of people watching, and there actually were people watching.

I remember it felt so good. It felt lovely just to have people actually come to my stream and watch what I do and like it and follow my channel for that, and I remember that I was super proud of myself when I finished the crown and it didn't look 100% like shit. And I remember wanting to continue that, like wanting to keep on going on that positive mood. But somehow, it just faded away really quickly, and now when I look at the crown and think "I should continue on the dress etc cause that's gonna be much more difficult" I don't really feel anything. Just kind of emptiness, no real positivity, no motivation, no feeling that I really do want to get up from this chair or couch, go get the materials and see what I can come up with. Like, there is a part of my brain that is constantly thinking and trying to figure out the rest of the costume, but it's not strong enough to override this apathy that makes me just keep on sitting, playing my stupid coloring game on my phone and having youtube play in the background (it's become my TV at this point, as I don't watch regular TV anymore - don't own one, in fact).

I can't figure out where this apathy comes from. There are times when I am constantly running around and doing something and trying to figure something out, but then there are so many more times when I literally just lay around, phone in hand, yt playing, doing absolutely nothing productive. And those times, I feel, are just getting worse and worse right now. Perhaps a part of it has to do with the weather - it's constantly dark outside and I don't want to go out even during the small parts where there is light because I hate the cold...

But I just feel like I'm floating in some gray space with a few flashes of light here and there (like a party here and maybe a small thing there that get me out of the apartment), but mostly just this gray empty space where I can't find anything to properly hold on to, which kind of translates to me physically just also floating around and doing nothing proper and just wasting my time completely by doing nothing.

And even thinking about all this, I am still unable to find anything to hold on to for the motivation. It's like I need a third party from the very outside to come and pull me and give me something to hold on to for a while for me to resurface and realize that there is a world out there that's not just gray.

That happens, and then I am back to the positive bubbly old me again, but as soon as that outside motivation has depleted itself - it's like I'm an empty car battery. You can start me up, sure, and maybe also charge me up a bit by driving me around, but as soon as you leave me standing for even a minute, I deplete all the energy that I got and I'm back to being dead again.

I kind of feel like crying when writing this and proof-reading it (hello grammar nazi, even weird late-night blog posts need to be checked for grammar yay me -.-) afterwards, but at the same time I also feel too apathetic to even cry. Just got a tear in my eye, I sighed, thought about it and then just went back to the monotone resting bitch face that I have.

My butt is literally falling asleep by now as I have been sitting on this chair for hours on end. I did get up and made myself food - it cheered me up a little for the duration of the time I ate it. Once it was gone - boom, empty again. Not hungry, just empty.

I am going to therapy. Have my next session on Wednesday. Last time the doc wrote out a few homeopathic tablets that she suggested I get - but I don't want to. I've always been strongly against any types of pills that warp the way I take in things, how my brain works etc even the slightest bit (and yes, considering I do still drink alcohol from time to time it's a bit weird, but stfu). I know that homeopathic stuff is not as strong as the typical pharmaceuticals (which I will never ever ingest, fuck that), but I still feel like I do not want to be dependent on anything else. The only pills that I literally take in regularly are my anti-baby pills. Even those I sometimes forget, but mostly not as it's kind of become a part of my life. BUT. I do NOT want any other pills (honestly, I don't even take any types of vitamins, because I just forget, I just forget to take them regularly) to be dependent on or to have them enter my regular routine. I don't feel like it at all, everything in me just screams no to that.

I don't know how to become a proper alive battery again, instead of this almost-dead battery that you can start up, but that falls back into being dead really quickly as soon as the momentum is gone. I guess I don't know how to live for myself - it's always something, or usually someone, from the outside that gives me this motivation to get up and do stuff and be a real person, but I can never find that from inside myself. Do I even have that inside me or is there really just this empty space that I can't fill because there literally is nothing that would fit and could fill that space?

A small part of me is dying more and more every day that passes underneath this apathy and emptiness. And I don't have enough motivation to even stop that. I'm not yet that bad that I would just lie and not even feed myself... but I feel like that is creeping ever closer. I don't know what else to do. I am lost.

Contemplations and deactivations

Ignorance as a concept is one of the worst things you could do to a person.

Whether intentional or not, the fact stays that when you ignore someone, that person will feel hurt. Inevitably.

Especially nowadays in our broad social media and virtual presence lives, when we are constantly online and we can also see everyone else, where they are, when they were last active on Messenger/Facebook, what video game they are playing currently - it's so incredibly conducive for someone to become more and more obsessed with staring at a small screen in their hands, trying to figure out why the person, who was, according to Messenger, clearly active just 10 minutes ago, or even worse, "Active Now", is not answering your messages from last night. Or from the day before that. Or even just from 15 minutes ago.

It drives me slowly crazy. My mind keeps on returning back to the unread message. The small blue ticks that show they clearly received them, but never read. The reason why they are actively using their phone/computer to access FB and/or Messenger, and yet seem to be ignoring me.

It drives me crazy in a way where I start hating myself because I think I'm not even worth one lousy answer. It's hurtful when one person does that. However, when a bunch of different people, mostly all who have no direct ties to each other, suddenly all ignore you... what am I supposed to think about that? Where am I supposed to take that?

Which is why I am currently contemplating actually just removing myself from Facebook, Messenger, Whatsapp and all other internet-based social networks on my phone. Not deleting my accounts. I feel like I want to leave something behind. But just uninstalling the apps. All of them. And not installing them back.

They make me feel worse most of the time. It's very rarely when I actually get happiness out of them. Genuine happiness that is.

So I think I'll try and use my phone as what it's supposed to be - a regular, old, normal phone. No internet. No messaging apps. Otherwise I'll just keep on crying my eyes out for thinking I deserve to be ignored for whatever reason that I don't know of. Oh how I hate the way my brain takes small things and blows them up into epic bubbles of drama. I hate the fact that I can't control this part of me.

I'll stay on my computer. I don't want to leave Youtube and my favorite creators there behind. That's become my TV. But no more phone shenanigans. I never log into FB on my computer anyway, which is at least good.

Social media in the end has more cons than pros for me. Maybe it's different for others out there, but this is what it's doing to me. And I hate it. So I'm getting rid of it.

And done. I'm done. No more internet on the phone except for checking the bus timetable or looking up in google maps where to go. That's it.

Bye.

05:31. Sunday. Good times...

It's been a little while.

Not as if anyone really looks forward to reading it. Or, well, I do see some eyes have at the very least clicked into these posts. But I don't know if there are any "regulars" or anything. No one ever comments, at least. But I guess it's fine.

I am in one of my middle of the night/very early morning funks. At least it's a Saturday/Sunday so I don't have to work tomorrow. That's good, eh? I guess..

Anyway, I've been actually writing down my thoughts from time to time. On paper. With a proper pen and all. Imagine that in this age of internet. But I have been writing down things that I really can't publish to the whole wide world, names included, so I can't really put them down here. I'm not one to name and shame in any way. I'm just much too bloody good. Such a fucking Hufflepuff. How did I get here from an introverted Slytherin to an outroverted Hufflepuff who feels lonely whenever I spend even one night home alone?

I've been going out a lot lately. Also drinking, which I am now trying to desperately counteract with Sober October since my health finally gave up and showed me the middle finger. It's been a week and I am honestly craving some mind-numbing substance right about now. For a girl who never wanted to become an alcoholic, I feel as if I am going through a slight withdrawal. It's not too bad, but there's a constant nag of "go out, get a drink, have a good time" somewhere in the back of my mind. "Go out, get together with people, have a drink, have a laugh, make out with someone you barely know/someone you really shouldn't and regret it later when you slink back home in broad daylight, hood thrown over your head, feeling like pure shit, with people silently judging you."

What a wonderful choice of thoughts, huh?

Just reading through some of those hand-written notes and decided to copy a few excerpts in here, I think they reflect my current train of thoughts pretty fucking well:

09.08.18, 01:22
"I've come to realize that I am a very strange person.
I need, apparently, quite a lot of physical closeness. At the same time, though, not just with anyone.
See, I leech myself onto a select few people. I get stuck to those people who in most cases nowadays are unfortunately men/boys, and I feel the need to be close to them, doing whatever.
It's maddening to know this about yourself and not have a clue as to how to change this behaviour."
---
"I go outside alone. I go to the zoo, the cinema, to restaurants, shops, everywhere.
Alone
And sometimes I want to scream.
Because it physically inside my chest hurts seeing other people not alone. Together with someone. I don't know why it physically hurts me. I have no idea what is going on there. But hurt it does."

05.09.18 01:25
"I want someone I can call or text when I'm feeling down/lonely/cold/unhappy. Someone who would come and literally just hold me. Just put his arms around me and hold me, saying nothing.
And it can't be just anyone. There are a couple guys interested in me, but there's something inside me that literally keeps rejecting even the thought. Because there's something inside me that is so fucking strongly fixated on just one person that I can't bring myself to think of a physical anything with anyone else."
/At this point my mind went on a bit of a rampage and a bit of a "decorating" spree on the next page of that notebook. Looking at it now, I wonder if I really am as sane as everyone tries to make me believe in... Or maybe I was just drunk. Might have been that.../

20.09.18 04:45
"I feel like in some ways I am still in this teenage dream. Why else would I shed tears each time I watch one of those Netflix teenage romantic comedies/coming-of-age movies? Why else?
I want someone to hold my face tenderly between their hands when they kiss me. I want to feel cherished like that. I don't always want to be groped elsewhere, or grabbed by the neck or back of my head.
Sometimes I just want to feel cherished.
Most likely because I don't cherish myself. I use the words "I hate myself" more often than not. "I hate my body", or "I hate my face/hair/clothes etc"... I don't think I've told myself "I love you" in... forever. I honestly do not remember the last time I said it. If ever..."

And then, just from a few hours ago:
06.10.18 23:34
"I have not gotten over being alone. 
Where did my introverted self go? I hate Netflix and chilling alone. I want to share this time with someone. I really wanna just share my time. Cause I waste my time being alone. I do nothing productive. So I want someone to be around so I don't feel bad about being non-productive.
Yet, even realizing and knowing this about myself, I can't bring myself to change any of it. Why is that?
Why am I so against even trying to change myself in a positive way? Why?
Like... I do small things like Sober October, going to dance now again... but I still feel like it's not enough, that I could do even more.
I am so confused about myself. So bloody confused.
PS: What is considered insanity?
       When does it start?"

So here we are. Here I am. Again, parts of me laid bare. And again, I guess writing helps. At least I am not crying this time. Might be too tired to cry. Or just finally realized that it's pointless.

In any case, it's not really getting better. I show a brave face to most of the world but there are a select few who see and know the real me and the shit that my brain eats through every day. They may not always have something to say to make me feel better but that's okay. At least they are there and have not yet run away. I appreciate that, more than they ever may know. And I'm sorry if I constantly keep fucking shit up. I don't really mean to, I just don't sometimes think because I get tired of thinking sometimes and that's usually when things get fucked up. So it's either thinking, which in my case is bad, or it's not thinking, which may sometimes be even worse.

Out of the rain and into the thunder, huh?

 I don't have anything profound to say. This blog is also not about that. It's just here for me to rant and vent and live out my lonely thoughts in some way that keeps them (and me) contained and not driving myself to the psychiatric hospital to check myself in (like happened once before), or hitting my best friend because she was trying to get me off the middle of the road (mostly deserted, true) where I was laying down. I'm keeping myself contained as best as I can.

I keep going back to the fact that I should probably get some professional help, at least try it out. For some unknown reason, though, it seems that whenever I think about it, the next day I usually have forgotten it completely, or maybe my mind actively pushes it away. I am a masochist after all, I like inflicting mental pain on myself for some very fucked up and unknown reason to me. I guess that part of my brain really doesn't want me going off and trying to "fix" it.

I sound insane.

I probably am.

On that particularly happy note,
goodnight.
Sweet dreams to anyone reading this just before bedtime. Sweet whatever to anyone else.

Need to vent. So. Bad.

Seems like I'm almost only writing here when something is wrong, I'm feeling down or when all is shit.

But then again, when I'm happy, I don't feel like I need to vent. And when I'm not happy, I need to vent. Unfortunately for me, I don't have too many people to vent to, or even people who I would trust enough to vent everything to. Add to that my constant feeling that I don't want to bother other people with my own shit, and you get me sitting alone at home, pouring out her frustration and feelings into blog posts.

Because writing does help, even if not for a long time. But it's a tiny distraction - it makes me sit down and type everything out, even if everything doesn't always make sense. Instead of me standing up and going out again and possibly doing something incredibly stupi- ah who am I kidding? I'm just way too fucking rational and self-preserving to actually do something incredibly stupid. Sarcastic thanks to my Slytherin side for that self-preservation.

Honestly, I won't even get drunk alone. Plenty of people would have buried themselves in bottles by now. But not me. Because I have such a strong sense of "THE FUCK NO YOU ARE NOT GONNA BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC" that I literally can't bring myself to drink alone at home when I am frustrated, sad or whatnot. Physically impossible. I only drink with either other people, when there's a party/celebration etc, or when I know I'm about to go out and want to start at home. Why is my brain so sensible, huh? Let me drown my sorrows ugh.

Oh well. Not much I can do about that there, other than have someone turn my bloody brain off for a while.

Still. I want to vent, and therefore I vent. Here. In written form.

In my last post I already wrote that I have been feeling lonely lately. The feeling is just not going away. I am literally asking myself "who are you and what have you done with the girl who just months ago was so intent on getting her own place to be alone?" Because now I have this place. Now I live alone. Which was amazing in the beginning. It still is, in most parts. I don't actually have to answer to anyone but myself. Which, granted, has led to a little bit more dust gathering than would be necessary. But oh well. I usually get a mood to clear certain times. And if I'm not in the mood, nothing good will come out of even trying.

I digress. I live alone now, and surprise-surprise - I feel lonely. Not much of a surprise there, should've seen it coming. But I was not expecting it to hit me this hard.

This hard, you might ask? Well, I'll give you a little sneak peek (or a big one) into my daily mood at the moment.

I wake up alone, and instantly feel sad and melancholy. Then I slap myself (sometimes figuratively, sometimes I actually physically lightly slap myself) to get out of it, tell myself for half an hour that I should stop whining around and get ready for work. Which I do. On the way to work my mood recovers maybe a fraction - I'm gonna see my fav colleagues again, after all. Honestly, this work is currently helping me stay above the waves which would otherwise have succumbed me already. Thank you, if whoever from there is reading this - ♥ you all for always being so awesomely there.

During work I get bouts of sadness and loneliness, but I snap out of them as soon as someone talks to me, no matter what the conversation is about. They - you - distract me and I'm forever grateful for that.

However, as soon as work ends and I leave, I have to suddenly fight back tears. They are not rational, there is no way for me to control them other than to fight against them spilling out in broad daylight on the street. I guess it's probably because everything in me knows that I'm on my way home, where I will no doubt sit around for some hours, watching videos, reading or just crying. And I REALLY do not want to do this for the umpteenth day in a row. So I consider posting in FB or on other social media (well, mostly on FB - gets the most reach for me) - usually I end up deciding against it because I obviously don't want to come across as a complete loner. But sometimes, like today, I do decide to quickly post to see if anyone wants to give me some company.

As per usual, that of course doesn't really work out since.. well, work-day evening, people have their own plans/nightshift/are not interested. So I try, but inside my head I already know that I will finish up the evening with videos, reading and/or crying. So...

/side note - there come the tears that I tried to hold back so fucking hard. I swore to myself this morning that I wouldn't cry today. That I would get myself to fucking shape up and actually do something and not cry. Obviously that failed. And that makes me feel like a failure, even though everyone, literally everyone keeps telling me that I'm not a failure, and I believe them.. but at times like these my own sense of failure completely overshadows everything. And I'm blabbering again. In a side note. Ugh./

So I sit here and cry.

And I hate myself for even writing this down because I know that I'm probably going to link this to my FB later on, once I'm done writing. And people are going to read it. But if I don't post a link, I have no way of knowing if anyone at all is going to read it - and I NEED people to read it. For some really sick need for pity, I need people to read my ramblings. Believe me, I keep telling myself that this is not a long-term solution, just looking for pity from other people. My brain is much too logical and rational to not have already considered this. Sarcastic thanks to my Libra side for already having considered (read: weighed - pun intended) all the bloody possible outcomes for each of my decisions. And yet I know that if I don't do anything at all and just swallow this shit down, I will explode at one point.

This happened last year.

This is the reason I am now living back in Estonia, no longer engaged to someone. (Well, there were other circumstances as well, but the biggest point still remains that I swallowed most of the shit I was feeling and eventually exploded.)

This is something that I never ever want to happen to me again.

So I vent.

Even if it is to faceless people on the internet. Even if it is to everyone who will read this, friend, colleague, stranger.

Because it helps in some small way. It helps to get pity, or a hug, or at least a friendly smile from someone.

Without any of these things I would not be able to step outside the apartment. I would not be able to function properly. Without them, I would have long succumbed to the wish to just curl up and cry for the rest of my life.

But I don't and I chew myself through these shitty feelings and the really very shitty moodswings. I know I'm not going to go find professional help. The only thing they are going to give me in the end are prescriptions for pills. I absolutely do not need that, and I am strongly against taking any kinds of pills. I still need to feel in control of myself. I would rather feel all the feelings, than have some of them simply be taken away or tamped down - this takes away my sense of control and I will not have that.

So I need to vent to help myself through these times.

Because I know that I'm usually a fairly optimistic and happy person. Anyone who works with me can probably vouch for that. I whine around, yeah, but I accompany that almost always with smile to show that I don't actually take what I'm saying 100% seriously. I whine for whining's sake. Rest of the time I am, however, happy with things. I smile. I joke around. I'm generally happy.

Just that a person can never be happy 100% of the time. And when I get into one of the times where I just can't be happy, for whatever reason, it does hit me kind of hard. I'm able to control myself in public, but home is where I let it loose. And I don't want to do this anymore. Not tonight, not tomorrow. Not anymore.

Just 3 evenings of this has already gotten me completely tired of this shit. And yet I can't change the way I feel.

Of course, I suspect there is another small part that plays into my loneliness right now, but out of respect for personal boundaries I will not disclose any of that here. I can only say that I'm doing the very best I can to respect everything in regards to this. As hard as it is for me since I feel so fucking alone.

Gah. Cryptic shit. Oh well. Deal with it.

But the bigger part is still coming directly from me and from whatever deep-seated issues I have. Trying to discover them myself, but self-analyzing only gets me so far. Guess I could use some professional talking to me for that. Not particularly happy about having to pay to have someone talk to me, though. Like literally, they would only be sitting there talking to me. Feels rather stupid to be paying for something like that...

 Wow, just realized I've been rambling on for quite some time now. Still, it helps. I'm no longer crying. Just really frustrated and still sad. Always sad right now.

Really hoping this funk is going to go away soon.

And I still don't understand why I crave physical closeness, or at least interacting with physical people at the moment. I've never understood this - I was fine without anyone. Completely fine, when I was left alone. Does it have something to do with the fact that I used to always live with someone prior to now? *brain starts to analyze again* Oh god darnit, this is exactly the reason! Obviously. Blind me.

Up to now I've only ever lived with someone. Be it family, friends, man, his family, whatever else. But I've never actually lived completely alone. Huh... fucking realizations when writing a god damn blog post. See? Writing helps me realize bloody important stuff.

Okay so now I have another problem - how to get over that shit and get used to living completely alone without breaking down in tears every time I think about having to go home for the evening where no one is waiting for me.

Maybe I should get a cat... but then again, if I do decide to suddenly leave on a world tour and start travelling, what am I supposed to do with the poor animal then? I'm not a person to give them back to the shelter - because that would be the only place I would get a cat. Not enough people do that. Plus, I'm not going to spend money on buying a pure breed when I can get a perfectly awesome (and usually much less whiny) cat from the shelter. Dog would not be an option at all due to me living in an apartment - I don't particularly like small dogs for myself (huskies, labs, german shepherds - give me those!) and I'm not going to keep a big dog in a small apartment. I'm not that cruel - they need a yard to run in.

So... no animals for the time being.

Why can we not have like a personal companion that we don't have to pay for, but they would always be there whenever we feel lonely? And when we do want to be left alone, they would just .. kinda disappear. And then come back as soon as we need them again. This would be something for me.

Oh well. Guess I just have to somehow get used to this situation then. It's probably gonna take longer to truly become accustomed to it, accompanied by mood-swings, bouts of tears and shitty feelings, but I'll probably get over it. Just need time. And support from other people. Even if it is for just a moment that I feel better due to that last part. Every little piece helps.

Love
Riv